Healing Strategies After Narcissistic Abuse

For the first couple months after I left my abusive relationship, all I could really do was survive. I was having a moral and spiritual crisis and I was viewing the world with new cynical and suspicious eyes. I retreated. It wasn't until I began to look at  my condition more scientifically that I realized it wasn't only a "time heals all wounds" situation. I could take steps to help the healing process.

I tried a lot of things, even things I was skeptical of. I wanted desperately to feel normal again. Some things worked better than I imagined they would and some things were about as effective as putting magic crystals on my head. I was fairly unimpressed by aroma therapy, for example.

I was adrift for too long and didn't immediately appreciate how important stabilizing my housing situation was to my well being. Living out of bags in motel rooms was not at all conducive to healing. I needed a space to make my own.

Meanwhile, I had to come to grips with what had happened. I was so confused that nearly all of my brain power was devoted to unraveling what had been years of reality-warping gaslighting. Then, realizing the depths of deception and depravity I'd been entangled with led to deep shame. I was so disappointed in myself for being deceived and manipulated. I didn't trust my own judgement anymore. Getting that back required learning about cluster B personality disorders and connecting with other people who'd suffered narcissistic abuse. I read so many personal stories and began to see how similar all those experiences were to my own. I wasn't alone. Coming to understand how the pattern of behavior plays out helped me forgive myself for becoming entrapped.

Even understanding the darkness of narcissism that I was dealing with, I still suffered from intense feelings of loss and loneliness. This was no ordinary breakup. The relationship was more like an addiction than love. That's a trauma bond and it had to be broken.

I had firsthand experience with chemical dependency and I recognized that just like when I quit drinking, I was going to have to commit myself to a period of suffering in order to break free and begin recovery. Maintaining no contact was first a physical endurance challenge.

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I came to learn that narcissistic abuse leads to physical brain damage. The hippocampus shrinks while the amygdala grows. This leads to chronic confusion, short-term memory loss, anxiety, anger, panic attacks and even bouts of rage. Reversing that damage is crucial to recovery and that's not a matter for magic crystals. It's scientifically, physically quantifiable. It's all about stress hormones, which a person's brain is continually marinading in while in a relationship with someone with a cluster B personality disorder. This physical change is why I found myself very jumpy after leaving Tina. I was never physically afraid of her, so I couldn't understand why my complex post traumatic stress disorder was manifesting as if I'd come out of a bloody war zone. I never had to dodge bullets, so I didn't understand why I'd jump so easily at certain sounds, wake up gasping in adrenaline-pumping fright or jump backwards like Jason Vorhees lunged at me just upon noticing people I wasn't ready for. It's because the amygdala controls the fight-or flight response and thanks to a steady diet of overflowing cortisol, mine had grown out of control. These reactions aren't psychological. They are physical! They are chemical. That revelation changed the course of my recovery.

I began to study what causes increased cortisol production and what can mitigate it. Stimulants are an obvious culprit. Caffeine, nicotine, taurine, etc. All of those (and illegal drugs like methamphetamines or cocaine) elevate stress hormones. Those chemical precursors had to be eliminated, or at least curtailed.

I had to evaluate situations that induced any physical stress or anxiety. That required really paying attention to what was going on in my body. I realized that I was producing a stress response sometimes just by playing intense video games. From that, I learned how to identify other things that were stressing me out and then to limit their impact on me. 

I was happy to learn that there were other things I could do beyond just changing some habits. Fish Oil, for example is an effective cortisol-reducer. I began taking it daily and found it almost immediately beneficial. I dabbled with some other supplements for stress-reduction and found some use for Kava Kava.

I gave up energy drinks, but couldn't quite manage without a cup or two of coffee in the morning, so I allowed that much for myself, but in the evening, I found Hawthorne Tea to be particularly soothing.

Quitting nicotine required a compromise of sorts. I had to forgive myself for gaining some weight. Snacking replaced smoking and vaping, for a few months.

Light therapy sounds like new agey hocus pocus, but it's actually helpful for depression. Getting outside on a nice sunny day is best, but when that wasn't possible (like dark winter days), natural daylight simulating full-spectrum lamps made a noticeable difference for me. I also found vitamin D useful in that regard.

I needed a lot of alone time at first, but as I gradually began to grow stronger and more confident again, getting supportive friends and family back into my life accelerated my recovery and tipped the balance of good and bad days or even hours in my favor.

After I got settled into my condo, making improvements to it were like an analog to improvements I was making inside myself. Putting up decor that reminded me of my history - of who I am - mirrored and reinforced the reconstruction of my very personality.

I gravitated to a lot of elements from my youth. My therapist called it regression, but that seems to have a negative connotation. I restored my operating system to an earlier state that was known to work!. I was buying Cookie Crisp cereal and Eggo waffles like I used to hastily eat before school in the morning.

I was binge watching 70's science fiction television. Star Trek, Doctor Who, Battlestar Galactica. The old stuff was good. It had a straightforward morality to it. The good guys always won and there was nothing too vicious that could trigger an overblown response of stress hormones. Those kind of things also helped me remember who I was - before the narcissist took over my life. Immersing myself in things that I loved before the narcissist took over my life helped me reconnect with my good, less damaged self.

Writing proved to be instrumental in setting order to the swirls of gaslit confusion in my bleeding brain. Writing my stories helped me reestablish objective reality and hold on to it when emotional and trauma-bonded responses would try to convince me otherwise. It also helped me to segregate the emotions connected to those memories and thereby reduce their impact.

My therapist always counseled patience and self-forgiveness, which are easy enough words to say, but surprisingly difficult to put into practice. I did eventually learn. I was eventually ready to be patient. Though I've learned that time isn't the only factor, it's still an important one. There is no rushing some healing.

I discovered that I had some delayed mourning to do. I was so wrapped up in all the chaos and confusion of Tina's making as well as the responsibility of dealing with my Mom's estate that while still embroiled in the relationship, I never allowed myself the time to fully accept and mourn my mom's passing, or losing my dog, Clyde to cancer. Delaying the processing of that kind of grief had the unfortunate side effect prolonging it.

I still practiced kindness and generosity. That's just who I am, but I gave myself permission to set limits and even to be selfish. It's OK to be selfish sometimes, especially in times of need. My wellness and comfort could come first. I doubt I'll ever be exactly the person I was but after a year, I found myself stronger, more confident and having more good days than bad ones. That's pretty good progress for only a year after narcissistic abuse. I'm certain that being proactive about my recovery instead of just waiting for it made a huge difference.

I'd had my doubts that I'd ever be ready to become romantically involved again, but I'd even started dating quite happily after 6 months or so.

Now that I understand cluster B personality disorders, I feel I'm much safer in the world. I know how to recognize them and know enough now to stay away.

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Pssst and other Lies

Tina and I used to tell each other "I love you" so often that people who spent too much time around us might have been at risk for diabetes. Over time, we developed our own secret shorthand for it. I believe it began with Tina saying "pssst" to get my attention and when I responded, she just whispered "I love you." She did this often, randomly, when we were walking hand-in hand, riding in my van, or just sitting on the futon. I was always delighted to hear it and said it back. Over time, I would also get her attention with "psst" and we both knew what would follow, so we'd try to beat each other to saying it and eventually, "pssst" evolved to be all that needed saying. She'd just say "pssst" and I'd "pssssssst" back (with the extra esses for emphasis).


The problem with adopting something so common as code for our love was that after it was all over, reminders were everywhere. "Pssst" is used pretty damn often in our culture. Oops.


Read the rest of this story at the new Adventures of Dan and Tina.

Storage Locker Blues

For over a year, I maintained a storage locker in Farmington. It wasn't a convenient location for any more than a month. It had made sense at the time Tina and I decided to rent it, since I'd just sold my Mom's house and was moving in with Tina as a stepping stone towards getting a new home together.

After Tina and I ultimately parted ways for good, I eventually landed back in my home city of Minneapolis. For a time, I largely ignored the existence of the storage locker, with more pressing concerns cluttering my mind, but I was paying for it. I eventually came to realize that I'd paid over $2,000 to store possessions I'd not seen in a year. Not much in there was worth that much. I'd be better off buying replacements for just about anything in there than paying to store it any longer, I reasoned, so I began to go through it all, moving some things to my condo and throwing some things away, with the goal of closing that money-drain.

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Political Avoidance

Narcissistic abuse leads to symptoms of complex post traumatic stress disorder, including severe reduction in self confidence and decision making ability. That can make it difficult to perform any work, but complex work that engages higher mental functions can be especially hampered. Losing faith in my own mental prowess was a small but significant factor in my withdrawal from political work.

Probably the biggest reason political work became so difficult is that it became extremely anxiety-inducing: It's dealing with liars. Being forced to use logic and truth to refute falsity after falsity is exhausting after spending years doing that on a personal level. It triggered the same feelings I experienced while attempting to unravel Tina's gaslighting. It was like reentering combat while still shell shocked. I felt anxious, sometimes even panicked when confronted with lies.

According to studies by neuroscientists, long-term exposure to narcissistic abuse leads to physical damage to the brain as well as the psyche. Those physical changes in particular can account for the irrational anxiety, panic and aversion.


Read the rest of this story at the new Adventures of Dan and Tina.

Jesus Didn't Leave those Footprints

I initially guessed the footprints that appeared on my van windows must have been a prank by Maura on her way to work in the morning.

"Cute, Maura. Weirdo. That was baffling at first," I texted Maura when I discovered them. I was getting ready for work myself and had stepped outside to have a cigarette in the morning sun. My van was parked next to the stoop.

Someone's bare foot prints were on the mid-row windows on both sides of the minivan. I was up early that morning, but Maura had gotten up much earlier. She was usually already well into her work day by the time Tina and I would roll out of bed.

"What was baffling?" Maura texted back after a couple minutes.

Read the rest at the new Adventures of Dan and Tina.

Write it Out

My therapist and other knowledgeable people suggest writing as part of the recovery from emotional abuse. It's definitely been important for my healing.

Putting order to my thoughts and memories is the primary use of writing out the story of my tumultuous and destructive relationship with Tina. It's an aid to finding the objective truth after having my entire perception of reality warped by a constant campaign of gaslighting. Reasserting objective reality and injecting it into the world is re-empowering. My perception matters. My experience and truth matters.

Tina's behavior could be so outrageous as to be nearly unbelievable. When I'd make certain observations, I'd stop and think along the lines of "It can't be what it looks like. Nobody would do that!" But, Tina would and did do that. Writing out the details has been necessary to avoid glossing over just how bad things were. Setting the story down in an ordered manner helps lift the mental fog that Tina brought about with her constant deception.

Read the rest at the new Adventures of Dan and Tina.