Just a couple days after my mom had died, I awoke at Tina's apartment to news that my van had been hit by the neighbor. Chaos and madness ensued. Police were called. Twice.
Tina and the upstairs neighbors didn't get along. I didn't understand the apparent hostility between them until after Tina and I broke up.
The upstairs neighbors, a young married couple had replaced one of Tina's sex partners as tenants in the tri-plex in September, the same month Tina and I decided to take another shot at a relationship.
Tina, I was told, said she was lonely, had no friends or boyfriend and the new neighbors tried to be friends with her.
One night that fall, Tina was drinking heavily with them in their garage and out of the blue said to the young mother, "I respect marriage, but I want to blow your husband."
I guess that wasn't taken very seriously, because she went into the house to check on their kids while Tina polished off a bottle of whiskey. When she came back out, Tina was trying to give her husband a lap dance.
That spelled the end of that budding friendship. Learning that, I finally understood all the weirdness between Tina and the neighbors.
Tina and I had decided to give it another try on September 11th (perhaps I should have paid more mind of the date). The neighbors moved in on September 2nd. They later told me they were always seeing Tina come home with different guys. One day, the husband asked her which one was her boyfriend.
"I don't have a boyfriend," she told him. So the neighbors were understandably pretty surprised to hear she and I were engaged.
Tina drove an immediate and effective wedge between myself and the upstairs neighbors. I saw them several times a week, coming and going, but never stopped to engage them in conversation, unless absolutely necessary. Without even getting to know them, they were the enemy, because Tina said so.
It's pretty obvious now why she preferred an arrangement that minimized the communication between us.
It was Tina who'd urged me to park my van where I did the night before, leading to the upstairs neighbor hitting it while backing out of his garage. I usually parked around the corner and down the block in the winter. Another blow that struck the wedge deeper.
Monday, November 26, 2018
The root flaw in my Reasoning
It's been a struggle to understand my own psychology in my relationship with Tina. How could I have been so blind? Was it willful denial? Maybe in part. At the core, it's a problem with first principles.
Everything I thought and observed was seen through a prism predicated on the notion that Tina loved me.
Believing as I do that the Earth is a sphere with gravitational pull, if I saw someone levitating or heard of a ship sailing off the edge of the Earth my mind would reject what I saw or heard. I would dismiss as untrue or seek alternate explanations for such phenomena.
The core flaw in my reasoning was the unshakable belief that Tina loved me. Since someone who loved me could not possibly be capable of the misdeeds I observed and inferred, my mind rejected reality, compartmentalized memories and readily accepted alternate, if unlikely explanations.
I came to mistrust my own eyes and ears. I doubted my own ability to reason. The core principle at the center of my universe was that Tina loved me. My perception of reality had to comport to that fundamental law.
I suppose it didn't help that I'd ultimately put myself in the hands of two practiced and compulsive liars who were long accustomed to working in tandem.
Everything I thought and observed was seen through a prism predicated on the notion that Tina loved me.
Believing as I do that the Earth is a sphere with gravitational pull, if I saw someone levitating or heard of a ship sailing off the edge of the Earth my mind would reject what I saw or heard. I would dismiss as untrue or seek alternate explanations for such phenomena.
The core flaw in my reasoning was the unshakable belief that Tina loved me. Since someone who loved me could not possibly be capable of the misdeeds I observed and inferred, my mind rejected reality, compartmentalized memories and readily accepted alternate, if unlikely explanations.
I came to mistrust my own eyes and ears. I doubted my own ability to reason. The core principle at the center of my universe was that Tina loved me. My perception of reality had to comport to that fundamental law.
I suppose it didn't help that I'd ultimately put myself in the hands of two practiced and compulsive liars who were long accustomed to working in tandem.
Sunday, November 25, 2018
He's Helping Me!
I think I was going above and beyond in the patience and understanding departments. I entertained several options to correct the damage done to our relationship by Tina's imprudent actions.
Tina was reluctant to cut ties with Nate.
I told her I would never dream of asking her to cut him out of her life forever, but "right now, he's in the way of mending us."
"He's helping me through these problems with our relationship," Tina told me.
I didn't think people really pulled their hair in frustration, but I could only grab fistfuls of mine in response to the insanity I was hearing. This is what it feels like when trying to apply reason and understanding with someone who's gaslighting you. "Tina, Nate isn't helping! Nate is the entire reason we're having these problems. Nate isn't the solution. He is the problem."
"I need him right now."
"What about me?"
In a mind-bending exhibition of double-standards, Tina asked me not to talk to any of my friends about the situation with Nate. "I don't want to give them more reason to hate me," she said.
"Tina, you're going to Nate for help with the situation with Nate..." My mind had to contort in ways that would make a pretzel blush. "Don't I have a right to consult with someone about all this? Who do I get to talk to?"
She wanted to know who I might discuss it with. "I don't know. Maybe Bergt," I said.
"OK, Only Bergt?" She gave her reluctant blessing for me to discuss the situation with Bergt.
Over the course of a month, two mental health professionals we met with said that contact with Nate needed to cease. I proposed a temporary break from him, since Tina had allowed her relationship with Nate to become inappropriate. I didn't think this was very much to ask at all. His continued interference was a huge detriment.Where were her priorities?
At one point, I mentioned that I had some things I'd like to say to Nate. Tina wanted to know what I'd say and I said that I'd conclude my remarks along the lines of "Tina needs good friends in her life and I want you to be her friend, but the romantic overtures are not welcome."
Tina warmed to that idea. She suggested I compose a message to Nate to get the discussion going and she'd follow up to talk to him about it. I felt a sense of relief. Maybe a solution was finally in reach!
I was just on my way out the door to work when this came up, so I told her I'd work on something on a break and let her see it before I sent it to Nate. "This will be good," I said. "We can get everything out in the open and deal with this, all three of us." I kissed her and went to work feeling great.
I composed a very frank message that conveyed what I felt was necessary to assuage my anxious misgivings and ensure appropriate boundaries that respected our relationship would be enforced. I thought it was very mild, given the circumstances. I was trying to work with Tina on a solution.
It read:
"NOPE." Tina texted after she'd read it. "Don't send any of that. Please?"
I called her to find out what she was objecting to and to discuss how the message could be edited to suit her preferences, but she had abandoned the whole notion. "I'll deal with Nate myself," she said. "Don't contact him."
When I got done with work, I pressed for more of an explanation.
"It makes you sound possessive," she said.
Aside from not really caring what Nate thought I sounded like, I said, "I think it's pretty tame. I'd like to tell him quite a lot more. Anyway, a certain amount of possessiveness is normal in a relationship."
"You didn't have to write a novel," she critiqued. "And, 'there will never be anything more between you?' That's just going to hurt him. He already knows that."
"What about how I feel? Does that matter? And, he doesn't seem to know that. Not at all. If anything, he's emboldened. I wonder if that could have anything to do with him seeing you lie to your fiance to spend three nights in his hotel room?"
"I told you I'm not attracted to him. I told you about how he smells like sour kraut, even when he hasn't been eating sour kraut. There's no chemistry. I've told him I'm with you and only you. I'll talk to him."
"When? Are you going to establish and enforce some respectful boundaries? I need you to show me."
"I did text him after I read your message and asked him to block you."
"Huh?"
"I don't need you sending him any more crazy messages."
Openness and honest communication was what I thought was needed in this situation. Tina seemed to believe the opposite.
It was too much. Counseling was the last thread of hope I could hang onto. I used to feel like I understood Tina on a supernatural, quantum level, but she was making zero sense to me.
Tina was reluctant to cut ties with Nate.
I told her I would never dream of asking her to cut him out of her life forever, but "right now, he's in the way of mending us."
"He's helping me through these problems with our relationship," Tina told me.
I didn't think people really pulled their hair in frustration, but I could only grab fistfuls of mine in response to the insanity I was hearing. This is what it feels like when trying to apply reason and understanding with someone who's gaslighting you. "Tina, Nate isn't helping! Nate is the entire reason we're having these problems. Nate isn't the solution. He is the problem."
"I need him right now."
"What about me?"
In a mind-bending exhibition of double-standards, Tina asked me not to talk to any of my friends about the situation with Nate. "I don't want to give them more reason to hate me," she said.
"Tina, you're going to Nate for help with the situation with Nate..." My mind had to contort in ways that would make a pretzel blush. "Don't I have a right to consult with someone about all this? Who do I get to talk to?"
She wanted to know who I might discuss it with. "I don't know. Maybe Bergt," I said.
"OK, Only Bergt?" She gave her reluctant blessing for me to discuss the situation with Bergt.
Over the course of a month, two mental health professionals we met with said that contact with Nate needed to cease. I proposed a temporary break from him, since Tina had allowed her relationship with Nate to become inappropriate. I didn't think this was very much to ask at all. His continued interference was a huge detriment.Where were her priorities?
At one point, I mentioned that I had some things I'd like to say to Nate. Tina wanted to know what I'd say and I said that I'd conclude my remarks along the lines of "Tina needs good friends in her life and I want you to be her friend, but the romantic overtures are not welcome."
Tina warmed to that idea. She suggested I compose a message to Nate to get the discussion going and she'd follow up to talk to him about it. I felt a sense of relief. Maybe a solution was finally in reach!
I was just on my way out the door to work when this came up, so I told her I'd work on something on a break and let her see it before I sent it to Nate. "This will be good," I said. "We can get everything out in the open and deal with this, all three of us." I kissed her and went to work feeling great.
I composed a very frank message that conveyed what I felt was necessary to assuage my anxious misgivings and ensure appropriate boundaries that respected our relationship would be enforced. I thought it was very mild, given the circumstances. I was trying to work with Tina on a solution.
It read:
Nate,
First, I apologize for the tone and nature of my last messages to you.
There are some things that need expressing and so you know, Tina has read and approved of me sending this message (she has read our prior exchange as well). She will be calling you.
I've been thinking about your characterization of me as a "manipulative control freak."
It's natural that you'd imagine me in a bad light, given the circumstances.
Tina and I have our difficulties to work through, but do you really think so little of her that she'd invite such a monster to live with her?
I don't wield any sort of power over her. We're just in love.
Tina and I spend nearly every day and night together. Don't presume to have a full picture of our relationship.
I tried to extend my friendship to you because Tina told me of your good nature. I gave you my trust because Tina vouched for your good intentions.
I brought her to you when you wanted to hang out. I dropped her off at that restaurant so you two could have dinner together.
Does that sound like an insanely jealous control freak?
I was accepting of your friendship with Tina until last month.
I'm still willing to try to be friends, but it's not necessary. I just want her to be happy.
Tina needs good, supportive friends. She thinks very highly of you. Please be a good friend to her, but I'm going to need you to leave off the romantic overtures and respect the bounds of our relationship.
Sure. Tina and I have issues to work on together and some of it is hard. We get angry with each other sometimes. We need to vent, sometimes. We've both made mistakes. Maybe we even bitch about each other on occasion, but we love each other so much that we're both willing to do whatever it takes to get through it all and improve our life together.
We're working hard on us because we both believe it's worth it. Neither of us will stand for anything or anyone coming between us.
Tina fervently desires your continued friendship, but she's made clear that there will never be anything more than that between you. Please respect that and be a great friend to Tina.
Maybe someday you and I can be friends, too. Who knows?
Dan
"NOPE." Tina texted after she'd read it. "Don't send any of that. Please?"
I called her to find out what she was objecting to and to discuss how the message could be edited to suit her preferences, but she had abandoned the whole notion. "I'll deal with Nate myself," she said. "Don't contact him."
When I got done with work, I pressed for more of an explanation.
"It makes you sound possessive," she said.
Aside from not really caring what Nate thought I sounded like, I said, "I think it's pretty tame. I'd like to tell him quite a lot more. Anyway, a certain amount of possessiveness is normal in a relationship."
"You didn't have to write a novel," she critiqued. "And, 'there will never be anything more between you?' That's just going to hurt him. He already knows that."
"What about how I feel? Does that matter? And, he doesn't seem to know that. Not at all. If anything, he's emboldened. I wonder if that could have anything to do with him seeing you lie to your fiance to spend three nights in his hotel room?"
"I told you I'm not attracted to him. I told you about how he smells like sour kraut, even when he hasn't been eating sour kraut. There's no chemistry. I've told him I'm with you and only you. I'll talk to him."
"When? Are you going to establish and enforce some respectful boundaries? I need you to show me."
"I did text him after I read your message and asked him to block you."
"Huh?"
"I don't need you sending him any more crazy messages."
Openness and honest communication was what I thought was needed in this situation. Tina seemed to believe the opposite.
It was too much. Counseling was the last thread of hope I could hang onto. I used to feel like I understood Tina on a supernatural, quantum level, but she was making zero sense to me.
The men from Eritrea
Merlin's Rest was long a favorite haunt of mine, especially in my heavy drinking days. It was a British Isles pub that featured a tremendous selection of whiskeys (and whiskys for those who enjoy a peaty scotch).
I'd become acquainted with a number of regulars there over the years. One such was an east-African man named Abraham. He was a union organizer at the airport. He was quiet guy who spent more time looking at news video from home on his phone than socializing, but I thought he was a decent sort.
I'd brought Tina to Merlin's on our second date for Wednesday pub trivia hosted by the incomparably witty Bill Watkins. My friend Jeff showed up to make our team three and he seemed set on pushing the bounds of propriety with my new dating interest, talking about vinyl "gimp suits" with zipper masks and gag balls. Tina took it in stride and found it enormously entertaining.
After trivia was concluded and Jeff had departed, I introduced Tina to a few regulars, including Abraham and the pub's "cultural ambassador," Bill. The main mission was to get to know each other better, so I didn't linger long at the regulars corner of the bar. Tina and I sat at a high table near the window. At the table next to ours, two women were leaned in towards each other engaged in conversation. Tina was a people-watcher, it seemed. Her attention was neatly divided between her date with me and the lesbian first date she deduced was going on behind me. Astrology came up and one of the women said she was a Scorpio. Tina interjected. "Scorpios are highly sexual people."
I'm sure my eyes widened. I hadn't expected to be meddling in lesbian romance.
The women turned their attention to Tina. They looked intrigued. "What else do you know about Scorpios?" One of them asked.
Though she was the cause of the moment, she suddenly turned red, embarrassed. "Um. I think it's time for us to go," she said to me. We made a hasty departure and left the ladies to carry on their date in peace.
Merlin's became a fairly regular stop-off for us as our relationship progressed and Tina swiftly developed an affinity for Abraham. The two of them would chat at length. Something about their later conversations was making me uneasy, though. On one occasion, I was standing off the to the side waiting on our drinks order. I couldn't hear what they were discussing, but I saw Abraham make a "call me" gesture. I wondered if Tina had obtained his phone number at some point and if so, for what? She had taken an interest in his country of origin and I saw her reading up on Eritrea on her computer one night. That night, she commented to me on the drive home, "he's very handsome."
The next time I was at Merlin's alone, I tried to engage Abraham in conversation and he seemed nervous and disinclined to chat with me. On my way out of the bar that night, I clapped Abraham on the shoulder when I said goodbye and he flinched.
I never really thought too much of all this, except that something was making me feel uneasy when I saw them together.
After several break-ups and reconciliations, I brought Tina back to Merlin's after a lengthy absence. I was no longer drinking, but was happy enough to buy Tina drinks. She was so thrilled to see Abraham there and she talked to him at length while I chatted with some other regulars.
That night, Tina and I had been even more flirty and affectionate than usual and I was pretty hot for her. I was eager to get her home to make love. She seemed likewise inclined and after she downed a couple double shots of whiskey, we decided to call it a night.
Always a gentleman, I gestured for her to go first as we were leaving the pub, but Tina uncharacteristically froze in her tracks and insisted that I go by first. There was a look about her. An odd, abrupt shift in behavior that set my Spidey senses tingling.
I passed by her and put my hand on the door, but looked back over my shoulder to see what she was up to behind my back. What I saw sapped all the lust and probably color out me. I could actually feel my love for Tina wash down my body and right out of my feet.
Read the rest at the new Adventures of Dan and Tina.
Also check out this new site: Best Online Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Resources
I'd become acquainted with a number of regulars there over the years. One such was an east-African man named Abraham. He was a union organizer at the airport. He was quiet guy who spent more time looking at news video from home on his phone than socializing, but I thought he was a decent sort.
I'd brought Tina to Merlin's on our second date for Wednesday pub trivia hosted by the incomparably witty Bill Watkins. My friend Jeff showed up to make our team three and he seemed set on pushing the bounds of propriety with my new dating interest, talking about vinyl "gimp suits" with zipper masks and gag balls. Tina took it in stride and found it enormously entertaining.
After trivia was concluded and Jeff had departed, I introduced Tina to a few regulars, including Abraham and the pub's "cultural ambassador," Bill. The main mission was to get to know each other better, so I didn't linger long at the regulars corner of the bar. Tina and I sat at a high table near the window. At the table next to ours, two women were leaned in towards each other engaged in conversation. Tina was a people-watcher, it seemed. Her attention was neatly divided between her date with me and the lesbian first date she deduced was going on behind me. Astrology came up and one of the women said she was a Scorpio. Tina interjected. "Scorpios are highly sexual people."
I'm sure my eyes widened. I hadn't expected to be meddling in lesbian romance.
The women turned their attention to Tina. They looked intrigued. "What else do you know about Scorpios?" One of them asked.
Though she was the cause of the moment, she suddenly turned red, embarrassed. "Um. I think it's time for us to go," she said to me. We made a hasty departure and left the ladies to carry on their date in peace.
Merlin's became a fairly regular stop-off for us as our relationship progressed and Tina swiftly developed an affinity for Abraham. The two of them would chat at length. Something about their later conversations was making me uneasy, though. On one occasion, I was standing off the to the side waiting on our drinks order. I couldn't hear what they were discussing, but I saw Abraham make a "call me" gesture. I wondered if Tina had obtained his phone number at some point and if so, for what? She had taken an interest in his country of origin and I saw her reading up on Eritrea on her computer one night. That night, she commented to me on the drive home, "he's very handsome."
The next time I was at Merlin's alone, I tried to engage Abraham in conversation and he seemed nervous and disinclined to chat with me. On my way out of the bar that night, I clapped Abraham on the shoulder when I said goodbye and he flinched.
I never really thought too much of all this, except that something was making me feel uneasy when I saw them together.
After several break-ups and reconciliations, I brought Tina back to Merlin's after a lengthy absence. I was no longer drinking, but was happy enough to buy Tina drinks. She was so thrilled to see Abraham there and she talked to him at length while I chatted with some other regulars.
That night, Tina and I had been even more flirty and affectionate than usual and I was pretty hot for her. I was eager to get her home to make love. She seemed likewise inclined and after she downed a couple double shots of whiskey, we decided to call it a night.
Always a gentleman, I gestured for her to go first as we were leaving the pub, but Tina uncharacteristically froze in her tracks and insisted that I go by first. There was a look about her. An odd, abrupt shift in behavior that set my Spidey senses tingling.
I passed by her and put my hand on the door, but looked back over my shoulder to see what she was up to behind my back. What I saw sapped all the lust and probably color out me. I could actually feel my love for Tina wash down my body and right out of my feet.
Read the rest at the new Adventures of Dan and Tina.
Also check out this new site: Best Online Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Resources
Thursday, November 22, 2018
The California Caper
After Tina returned from her extended stay at the Nategate Hotel, she told me some things. First, after some tears and apologies for "being away from me" she told me that a big part of the reason she stayed those three nights with Nate was that she was binge drinking and didn't want me to see it. She said further that she thought it was time for her to quit drinking and wanted to seek some counseling.
She said she'd discussed it with her mother and got a commitment of support on her new determination to give up the bottle, which she was blaming for her abhorrent behavior. She insisted that she had spent the first night with Amber and that she'd gone back to Amber's for the third night to make Apple Pie Moonshine. It was Nate who dropped her off. I didn't believe her about that.
Once she'd said she wanted support quitting drinking, that put a stop to my pressing her about her stay with Nate. I refocused on how I could help. I knew it would be a long shot, but I felt some sense of optimism in that moment. I told her I forgave her and wanted to help in any way I could.
Later, while Maura and I were smoking outside, I suggested, "I think it would be a good idea if you didn't keep any alcohol in the house for a while."
I was under the impression that Tina had discussed this with her mom already, but Maura's eyes spoke of confusion instead of understanding. She nodded without comment. The alcohol in the house stayed right where it had been.
Later on, Tina told me that she'd been talking with her brother Nick who'd recently relocated permanently to Colorado with his girlfriend, Kelly. Tina's dad had been out to visit them and she was upset that she didn't have the opportunity to go, so she'd been discussing it with Nick. She hoped to go soon.
"I'd be happy to take you out to Colorado to visit Nick," I told her.
She dropped the subject after that.
I'd been planning to get her added to my phone plan since I was paying for her by-the-month plan already and it would save a bit of money and hassle.
Although things were rocky with us, I was maintaining optimism and didn't want to lose any forward momentum. We had a house to buy, a wedding to plan, probably a car to buy and getting our phones straight was part of the overall future plan.
T-Mobile had a buy one, get one deal going on the top of the line Samsung Galaxy phone, so Tina and I both walked out of there with a spiffy new toy. We weren't able to keep her old number, but Tina said that was probably good, so she could slip away from people she didn't want contacting her anymore.
Back at the apartment, we spent some time setting up our new phones and had some fun customizing our cartoonish Bitmoji avatars for Snapchat.
We went to bed early, curled up together nice and cozy.
My subconscious was hard at work and when I woke, I didn't feel quite so forgiving. I had a lot of misgivings. I had a lot of anxiety. I realized that I didn't trust or believe Tina at all. I confronted her again when she woke. I was set on having the truth.
"You never went to Amber's at all, did you?"
"Yes, I did. That first night and last night," she insisted, but her story fell so hopelessly apart under questioning that she finally admitted that she spent the first night at Nate's hotel, too. Oddly, she persisted in her assertion that she'd gone to Ambers the last night.
"I don't believe you," I said plainly. "You were planning to spend all those those nights with Nate all along, weren't you? You lied to me at Bingo. You lied to me every day you were gone and you're still lying to me."
She started crying. "I wasn't lying all along. I meant to come back. I was only going to spend two nights at the hotel. I was going to go over there, but Amber wanted me to go pick up the stuff in Wisconsin and it was too much hassle, so I stayed on the couch in Nate's room and read instead."
"This is bad, Tina. You've really put me in a bad place here. I don't know how I'm ever going to trust anything you say again and if I can't trust you, I can't begin to fathom how we're going to have a relationship. How am I ever going to be able to trust you again?" I was genuinely looking for a lifeline. I couldn't see a way to fix this and I was madly asking Tina for a solution.
"You can put a tracker on my phone," she said. "I promise I'll never lie to you again. I can't lose you. I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you. I want to get into counseling. All that lying my mom made me do with my dad really screwed me up."
She was gifted at turning a situation around to garner sympathy. I softened.
"Fine," I said, switching to problem-solving mode. "Your insurance should cover counseling. I'll set it up. I'll set up couple's counseling for us so we can work on rebuilding trust and we can get a recommendation for a therapist for you at my clinic."
She agreed emphatically, relief washed over her teary face. "I'll quit drinking. I know it's a problem."
"I think you should get into treatment."
"I want to try it by myself, first."
I considered that. I felt like I needed treatment to help me quit, but I'd managed a month sober on my own before I got admitted and I never followed up with recommended AA meetings. I relied on individual therapy, which Tina was on board for. It'll work if she wants it to, I figured.
"I might have to smoke a little more weed in the meanwhile."
I calculated that would be less harmful to her and our relationship than the drinking.
"If I'd had easy access to it, I probably would have been tempted to smoke some, too when I first quit drinking. The withdrawals were terrible," I agreed.
Tina and I set out to get her some healthy foods and beverages to help I spent over $100 on fruit, salads, easy-to eat foods, Gatorade and Slim Fast shakes, in case she couldn't stomach solid foods right away. After I put her back to bed, I went back to my Mom's house and collected up my left-over detox medications and supplements to bring back and get Tina started on her journey towards sobriety.
The next day was moving day. Tina had agreed to help me get the last items out of my mom's house. I'd arranged a storage locker near Tina's apartment in Farmington and rented a truck. There were a few items too heavy for me to risk lifting with my injured back. At the last minute, I coaxed two of my friends to help load those few items into the truck, but unloading was still going to be a challenge.
Tina was a trooper. I could see that she was suffering alcohol withdrawals. She was shaky and sweaty. I honestly don't know how she managed any labor at all in that state. When I was going through withdrawals, just walking could be a challenge. I later learned that she was already drinking again, which would have alleviated the symptoms, but that day, I marveled at how tough she could be.
We loaded the truck and my friends left us to it. I was hoping to recruit another friend to help with the unloading, but he turned out to be drunk beyond usefulness that day.
There were only a couple items I thought were going to be dangerous for Tina and I to unload ourselves, so we unloaded items destined for the apartment and put our brains to work on getting the heavy stuff done.
"The only people I can think of are Scott and Doug," Tina said. "Or I could call Cassidy, but I don't have his number anymore and he works out, so..."
"You're killing me, Tina," I said.
My back injury made me feel like an incomplete man when I couldn't do tasks like this. Suggesting recruiting help from former lovers made me feel pretty small. I didn't really care if Cassidy worked out. Good for him.Tina seemed a bit hostile when she quickly tacked on that bit about not having Cassidy's number anymore.
It was she who kept asserting that she had no contact with him. She insisted the only reason Cassidy was still contacting her was to get weed and she just didn't know how to block him on her phone. She'd had no difficulty blocking me back when we were broken up!
Maura came home from whatever she'd been up to for the day and with some creative engineering, the three of us managed to unload the rest into my storage locker. To show my appreciation, I took Tina and her mom out for dinner.
Sitting at the table, Tina again brought up her desire to go visit Nick. She told her mom that she felt bad that her Dad had chosen to take his girlfriend Karen with to Colorado instead of Tina.
"I'll take you to Colorado to visit Nick," I said.
"Oh, will you?" She shot me an angry look. "Because I'm going to go to some brew pubs."
Her look, tone and words felt like a hard slap to the face. The sting must have shown.
"Is something wrong, Dan?" Maura asked.
I looked at my plate, unsure where to begin. Scarcely a day had passed since Tina announced her intent to quit drinking and she was angrily declaring her intent to drink in Colorado. I took it that she was acting salty because she resented me for her decision to stop drinking. Her hostility about blocking Cassidy and now about going to breweries was stunning.
"Are you just worn out?" Maura persisted.
"I'm pretty tired."
"He's upset because I said brew pub," Tina chided.
"I never asked you to stop drinking. You said you wanted to. I don't understand this hostility," I said.
"I'm not being hostile. I never said I was was going to quit drinking forever. I just don't want to be a drunk. There are some really good micro brews in Colorado, that's all."
I never cared if Tina drank in my company. We often went to bars together to shoot pool. I bought her whiskey. Of course, I didn't like it when she got so drunk as to be dangerously impulsive or embarrassing to be out with, but besides futile efforts to curtail that aspect, I'd never interfered with her enjoyment of alcohol. I was disappointed that she was already abandoning her plan to get sober, especially since that was a big part of her proposed solution to the problem she'd created between us by taking off with Nate.
I was reeling a bit, but I was actually too tired to discuss it further, especially in front of Maura. I let it drop. I wondered if moving in with Tina could be my undoing. Somehow, I'd just have to make it work. It's the course we were locked into.
What I didn't realize at the time was that the whole notion of going to Colorado was itself a ruse and if I accompanied Tina, it would have spoiled the real plan. In retrospect, that explained the unwarranted hostility.
Something I've finally come to grips with is that when Tina's words or behavior seemed irrational or inexplicable, deception was in the works.
After Tina returned from Rockfest, We retreated to her grandpa's cabin to get away from everyday concerns and have some together time. It was a pleasant weekend for us. We took her German shorthair, Jasper, to the dog wash and gave him lots of treats.
Tina's kinky side was on an upswing and I felt like I had to step things up to keep her excited about me. I felt like she was slipping away, sometimes.That night, I tried things a bit differently - in a way I wasn't completely comfortable with, but speculated she'd enjoy.
"I loved everything you just did," she said breathlessly, afterwards. I went out for a cigarette and she had fallen asleep before I returned to the bed.
I was still pretty alert, so I stayed up for a while doing crossword puzzles. I noticed Tina's new phone sitting next to her old one on the counter. I wondered why she'd brought them both to the cabin. Her old one was deactivated and the new one didn't get any reception there. I was reminded of her two-phone situation from years before. Back then, I'd also provided her a smart phone which I paid for, but she was still maintaining a second one her dad paid for. Watching Breaking Bad together and observing Walter White's surreptitious use of two cell phones, I asked, "is that why you keep two phones? Are you running a meth business?"
"No, Dan. It's for my prostitution business," she'd replied glibly.
Reflecting on all my past misgivings about her double-phoned life in the past, I snooped. Her old phone was off and nothing seemed unusual about it, but her new phone revealed a disturbing text exchange between Nate and Tina. They were discussing plans for her to fly out to California, "The earlier the better," Tina wrote. She followed up later with a caveat that she had to go to Colorado to see Nick, first. Nate offered to foot the bill to fly her to California from there.
She'd said nothing to me about any plans to go to California, except that before Nategate, we'd discussed going there together to visit my friend Bergt, come winter. At that time, I still believed Nate to be a platonic friend with innocent intentions and offered to make it a "two-fer" trip. We'd visit Nate and Bergt while there. They lived relatively close together. I offered to take her to visit Nate. Why was she making plans to go to California behind my back?
I put the phone back on the counter and sat in a chair in the dark, quiet cabin and I wept.
Things with Nate just kept getting worse. I felt betrayed, again. I realized that Tina and I were on the verge of break-up and speculated that she'd made these plans while we were arguing. Maybe she's dropped it now that we have a plan to get counseling, I thought.
Tina came out from the bedroom and saw me sitting in the dark."Is something wrong? Are you Ok?"
"I'm feeling very sad and worried," I said. I decided not to mention what I'd seen on her phone and wait to see where that went.
"It's all going to be OK, Dan. I love you. So much. You don't even know. Come to bed."
Some instinctive part of me wanted to fuck again. Like the time Tina asked me if I was trying to "fuck the Doug out of her," I might have thought I needed to fuck thoughts of Nate out of her. Sex seemed like a way to cement our relationship.
"Since you're up, I could go again," I offered.
"That was wonderful, but I'm wiped," she said. "I just got up to use the bathroom. In the morning, for sure. Let's go to sleep."
I laid down with her and drifted off while trying to assemble all the pieces of an increasingly complex-seeming puzzle. It wasn't really that complicated, but at the time, I couldn't see the forest for the trees.
A week or so later, Tina had a doctor's appointment up in St. Cloud, so I took a day off of work and we drove up to the cabin to spend the night before her morning appointment. It was a chilly, rainy day so we didn't have much enthusiasm to stay at the lake afterwards, but Tina wanted to get some things from her Dad's, so we drove over there. Her Dad came back from work as we were about all packed up and ready to head back to Farmington. We only exchanged a few words and Tom said something about going to see Nick. My ears perked up, since we'd been discussing that. I was about to mention that Tina and I were talking about going out to Colorado to visit Nick, but Tina made a swift topic change and started rushing us out of the house. Something was off, but I shrugged it off for the nonce.
Then at yet another cabin trip, everything went from terrible to a fucking shit storm. After Tina had passed out one morning, I found the letter Nate had just sent her and read it. I didn't feel in the least bit ashamed after the lies I'd caught my fiance in about her rendezvous with this supposedly helpful and well-intentioned friend. I had a right to know what was going on before marrying this woman. Nate, who was supposed to be this platonic buddy with no romantic designs, who she'd lied to spend three nights with at his hotel had sent her what can only be described as a love letter and in it, he wrote about taking her back to California with him, where, if there was any breast-grabbing, it would be "tasteful and distinguished or lewd and inappropriate, anything but awkward and confusing," and because his bed was "meant for pants-on canoodling" and that purpose was "going unfulfilled." He further proposed dancing and awkward kisses after awkwardly professing his love and affection for her.
To say this letter was disturbing would be like saying the sun is warm. I had a slight melt down, swearing to myself, nosily stomping and banging around the cabin before going out for a smoke. I walked around outside a bit and debated just getting in my van and leaving Tina there. I nearly did, but I remembered promising her that I'd never leave without telling her, first. I took my promises seriously. I went back in, wrote "What the FUCK?!?!" on a piece of paper, left it on top of Nate's letter and asked myself if that was a good enough explanation. I figured it was, but I heard Tina stirring in the bedroom, so I decided to speak to her directly. That became quite an unpleasant scene and my head was spinning from the rapid-fire of outlandish lies Tina began shooting at me.
"You're going out to stay with him in California?" was just one of my many questions.
She insisted that she wasn't. She told me just the night before, she'd asked Nate to stop contacting her. She told me that the letter wasn't meant for me.
"I beg to differ," I'd said. "This is exactly the sort of thing I should see."
At one point, she told me that the letter from Nate wasn't genuine. She claimed it was a ruse they'd concocted together to test me and see if I'd snoop her correspondence. Evidently I failed the test.
She asked me to leave so I started collecting up my things while Tina went to the bathroom. I retrieved the half-gone half-gallon bottle of whiskey I'd bought for Tina from the freezer. She was more upset that I was taking the bottle than she was that I was removing myself and she put up such a fuss about it, I relented and let her keep it.
Ultimately, after considerable drama, we remained committed to pursuing therapy together, but after that fell apart (mostly over Nate), we broke up (again). I asked her again if she was planning to go to stay with Nate in California. She again insisted that she wasn't going to do that. "He asked me to come stay with him, but I don't want to do anything to lead him on," she'd said.
Tina got drunk at a wedding and fell, severely breaking her upper arm which left her out of commission for a while, but after healing a bit, she informed me that she was "leaving Minnesota for a while."
Maybe she meant she was going to Colorado to visit Nick, but I doubted it. Sure enough, a few days later, photos of her and Nate together in California and Nevada appeared on facebook.
I was never completely sure when the California plans were formed. I initially guessed that she'd discussed it with Nate when Tina and I were on the verge of breaking up. Bergt had a different take on it when I related the story to him. He was sure it was already planned before that. He figured it was planned out while Tina was at the Hotel with Nate and she was lying to me about it all along. Colorado was a ruse - a way to get away to California without me knowing where she was really going. Bergt was most likely right.
She said she'd discussed it with her mother and got a commitment of support on her new determination to give up the bottle, which she was blaming for her abhorrent behavior. She insisted that she had spent the first night with Amber and that she'd gone back to Amber's for the third night to make Apple Pie Moonshine. It was Nate who dropped her off. I didn't believe her about that.
Once she'd said she wanted support quitting drinking, that put a stop to my pressing her about her stay with Nate. I refocused on how I could help. I knew it would be a long shot, but I felt some sense of optimism in that moment. I told her I forgave her and wanted to help in any way I could.
Later, while Maura and I were smoking outside, I suggested, "I think it would be a good idea if you didn't keep any alcohol in the house for a while."
I was under the impression that Tina had discussed this with her mom already, but Maura's eyes spoke of confusion instead of understanding. She nodded without comment. The alcohol in the house stayed right where it had been.
Later on, Tina told me that she'd been talking with her brother Nick who'd recently relocated permanently to Colorado with his girlfriend, Kelly. Tina's dad had been out to visit them and she was upset that she didn't have the opportunity to go, so she'd been discussing it with Nick. She hoped to go soon.
"I'd be happy to take you out to Colorado to visit Nick," I told her.
She dropped the subject after that.
I'd been planning to get her added to my phone plan since I was paying for her by-the-month plan already and it would save a bit of money and hassle.
Although things were rocky with us, I was maintaining optimism and didn't want to lose any forward momentum. We had a house to buy, a wedding to plan, probably a car to buy and getting our phones straight was part of the overall future plan.
T-Mobile had a buy one, get one deal going on the top of the line Samsung Galaxy phone, so Tina and I both walked out of there with a spiffy new toy. We weren't able to keep her old number, but Tina said that was probably good, so she could slip away from people she didn't want contacting her anymore.
Back at the apartment, we spent some time setting up our new phones and had some fun customizing our cartoonish Bitmoji avatars for Snapchat.
We went to bed early, curled up together nice and cozy.
My subconscious was hard at work and when I woke, I didn't feel quite so forgiving. I had a lot of misgivings. I had a lot of anxiety. I realized that I didn't trust or believe Tina at all. I confronted her again when she woke. I was set on having the truth.
"You never went to Amber's at all, did you?"
"Yes, I did. That first night and last night," she insisted, but her story fell so hopelessly apart under questioning that she finally admitted that she spent the first night at Nate's hotel, too. Oddly, she persisted in her assertion that she'd gone to Ambers the last night.
"I don't believe you," I said plainly. "You were planning to spend all those those nights with Nate all along, weren't you? You lied to me at Bingo. You lied to me every day you were gone and you're still lying to me."
She started crying. "I wasn't lying all along. I meant to come back. I was only going to spend two nights at the hotel. I was going to go over there, but Amber wanted me to go pick up the stuff in Wisconsin and it was too much hassle, so I stayed on the couch in Nate's room and read instead."
"This is bad, Tina. You've really put me in a bad place here. I don't know how I'm ever going to trust anything you say again and if I can't trust you, I can't begin to fathom how we're going to have a relationship. How am I ever going to be able to trust you again?" I was genuinely looking for a lifeline. I couldn't see a way to fix this and I was madly asking Tina for a solution.
"You can put a tracker on my phone," she said. "I promise I'll never lie to you again. I can't lose you. I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you. I want to get into counseling. All that lying my mom made me do with my dad really screwed me up."
She was gifted at turning a situation around to garner sympathy. I softened.
"Fine," I said, switching to problem-solving mode. "Your insurance should cover counseling. I'll set it up. I'll set up couple's counseling for us so we can work on rebuilding trust and we can get a recommendation for a therapist for you at my clinic."
She agreed emphatically, relief washed over her teary face. "I'll quit drinking. I know it's a problem."
"I think you should get into treatment."
"I want to try it by myself, first."
I considered that. I felt like I needed treatment to help me quit, but I'd managed a month sober on my own before I got admitted and I never followed up with recommended AA meetings. I relied on individual therapy, which Tina was on board for. It'll work if she wants it to, I figured.
"I might have to smoke a little more weed in the meanwhile."
I calculated that would be less harmful to her and our relationship than the drinking.
"If I'd had easy access to it, I probably would have been tempted to smoke some, too when I first quit drinking. The withdrawals were terrible," I agreed.
Tina and I set out to get her some healthy foods and beverages to help I spent over $100 on fruit, salads, easy-to eat foods, Gatorade and Slim Fast shakes, in case she couldn't stomach solid foods right away. After I put her back to bed, I went back to my Mom's house and collected up my left-over detox medications and supplements to bring back and get Tina started on her journey towards sobriety.
The next day was moving day. Tina had agreed to help me get the last items out of my mom's house. I'd arranged a storage locker near Tina's apartment in Farmington and rented a truck. There were a few items too heavy for me to risk lifting with my injured back. At the last minute, I coaxed two of my friends to help load those few items into the truck, but unloading was still going to be a challenge.
Tina was a trooper. I could see that she was suffering alcohol withdrawals. She was shaky and sweaty. I honestly don't know how she managed any labor at all in that state. When I was going through withdrawals, just walking could be a challenge. I later learned that she was already drinking again, which would have alleviated the symptoms, but that day, I marveled at how tough she could be.
We loaded the truck and my friends left us to it. I was hoping to recruit another friend to help with the unloading, but he turned out to be drunk beyond usefulness that day.
There were only a couple items I thought were going to be dangerous for Tina and I to unload ourselves, so we unloaded items destined for the apartment and put our brains to work on getting the heavy stuff done.
"The only people I can think of are Scott and Doug," Tina said. "Or I could call Cassidy, but I don't have his number anymore and he works out, so..."
"You're killing me, Tina," I said.
My back injury made me feel like an incomplete man when I couldn't do tasks like this. Suggesting recruiting help from former lovers made me feel pretty small. I didn't really care if Cassidy worked out. Good for him.Tina seemed a bit hostile when she quickly tacked on that bit about not having Cassidy's number anymore.
It was she who kept asserting that she had no contact with him. She insisted the only reason Cassidy was still contacting her was to get weed and she just didn't know how to block him on her phone. She'd had no difficulty blocking me back when we were broken up!
Maura came home from whatever she'd been up to for the day and with some creative engineering, the three of us managed to unload the rest into my storage locker. To show my appreciation, I took Tina and her mom out for dinner.
Sitting at the table, Tina again brought up her desire to go visit Nick. She told her mom that she felt bad that her Dad had chosen to take his girlfriend Karen with to Colorado instead of Tina.
"I'll take you to Colorado to visit Nick," I said.
"Oh, will you?" She shot me an angry look. "Because I'm going to go to some brew pubs."
Her look, tone and words felt like a hard slap to the face. The sting must have shown.
"Is something wrong, Dan?" Maura asked.
I looked at my plate, unsure where to begin. Scarcely a day had passed since Tina announced her intent to quit drinking and she was angrily declaring her intent to drink in Colorado. I took it that she was acting salty because she resented me for her decision to stop drinking. Her hostility about blocking Cassidy and now about going to breweries was stunning.
"Are you just worn out?" Maura persisted.
"I'm pretty tired."
"He's upset because I said brew pub," Tina chided.
"I never asked you to stop drinking. You said you wanted to. I don't understand this hostility," I said.
"I'm not being hostile. I never said I was was going to quit drinking forever. I just don't want to be a drunk. There are some really good micro brews in Colorado, that's all."
I never cared if Tina drank in my company. We often went to bars together to shoot pool. I bought her whiskey. Of course, I didn't like it when she got so drunk as to be dangerously impulsive or embarrassing to be out with, but besides futile efforts to curtail that aspect, I'd never interfered with her enjoyment of alcohol. I was disappointed that she was already abandoning her plan to get sober, especially since that was a big part of her proposed solution to the problem she'd created between us by taking off with Nate.
I was reeling a bit, but I was actually too tired to discuss it further, especially in front of Maura. I let it drop. I wondered if moving in with Tina could be my undoing. Somehow, I'd just have to make it work. It's the course we were locked into.
What I didn't realize at the time was that the whole notion of going to Colorado was itself a ruse and if I accompanied Tina, it would have spoiled the real plan. In retrospect, that explained the unwarranted hostility.
Something I've finally come to grips with is that when Tina's words or behavior seemed irrational or inexplicable, deception was in the works.
After Tina returned from Rockfest, We retreated to her grandpa's cabin to get away from everyday concerns and have some together time. It was a pleasant weekend for us. We took her German shorthair, Jasper, to the dog wash and gave him lots of treats.
Tina's kinky side was on an upswing and I felt like I had to step things up to keep her excited about me. I felt like she was slipping away, sometimes.That night, I tried things a bit differently - in a way I wasn't completely comfortable with, but speculated she'd enjoy.
"I loved everything you just did," she said breathlessly, afterwards. I went out for a cigarette and she had fallen asleep before I returned to the bed.
I was still pretty alert, so I stayed up for a while doing crossword puzzles. I noticed Tina's new phone sitting next to her old one on the counter. I wondered why she'd brought them both to the cabin. Her old one was deactivated and the new one didn't get any reception there. I was reminded of her two-phone situation from years before. Back then, I'd also provided her a smart phone which I paid for, but she was still maintaining a second one her dad paid for. Watching Breaking Bad together and observing Walter White's surreptitious use of two cell phones, I asked, "is that why you keep two phones? Are you running a meth business?"
"No, Dan. It's for my prostitution business," she'd replied glibly.
Reflecting on all my past misgivings about her double-phoned life in the past, I snooped. Her old phone was off and nothing seemed unusual about it, but her new phone revealed a disturbing text exchange between Nate and Tina. They were discussing plans for her to fly out to California, "The earlier the better," Tina wrote. She followed up later with a caveat that she had to go to Colorado to see Nick, first. Nate offered to foot the bill to fly her to California from there.
She'd said nothing to me about any plans to go to California, except that before Nategate, we'd discussed going there together to visit my friend Bergt, come winter. At that time, I still believed Nate to be a platonic friend with innocent intentions and offered to make it a "two-fer" trip. We'd visit Nate and Bergt while there. They lived relatively close together. I offered to take her to visit Nate. Why was she making plans to go to California behind my back?
I put the phone back on the counter and sat in a chair in the dark, quiet cabin and I wept.
Things with Nate just kept getting worse. I felt betrayed, again. I realized that Tina and I were on the verge of break-up and speculated that she'd made these plans while we were arguing. Maybe she's dropped it now that we have a plan to get counseling, I thought.
Tina came out from the bedroom and saw me sitting in the dark."Is something wrong? Are you Ok?"
"I'm feeling very sad and worried," I said. I decided not to mention what I'd seen on her phone and wait to see where that went.
"It's all going to be OK, Dan. I love you. So much. You don't even know. Come to bed."
Some instinctive part of me wanted to fuck again. Like the time Tina asked me if I was trying to "fuck the Doug out of her," I might have thought I needed to fuck thoughts of Nate out of her. Sex seemed like a way to cement our relationship.
"Since you're up, I could go again," I offered.
"That was wonderful, but I'm wiped," she said. "I just got up to use the bathroom. In the morning, for sure. Let's go to sleep."
I laid down with her and drifted off while trying to assemble all the pieces of an increasingly complex-seeming puzzle. It wasn't really that complicated, but at the time, I couldn't see the forest for the trees.
A week or so later, Tina had a doctor's appointment up in St. Cloud, so I took a day off of work and we drove up to the cabin to spend the night before her morning appointment. It was a chilly, rainy day so we didn't have much enthusiasm to stay at the lake afterwards, but Tina wanted to get some things from her Dad's, so we drove over there. Her Dad came back from work as we were about all packed up and ready to head back to Farmington. We only exchanged a few words and Tom said something about going to see Nick. My ears perked up, since we'd been discussing that. I was about to mention that Tina and I were talking about going out to Colorado to visit Nick, but Tina made a swift topic change and started rushing us out of the house. Something was off, but I shrugged it off for the nonce.
Then at yet another cabin trip, everything went from terrible to a fucking shit storm. After Tina had passed out one morning, I found the letter Nate had just sent her and read it. I didn't feel in the least bit ashamed after the lies I'd caught my fiance in about her rendezvous with this supposedly helpful and well-intentioned friend. I had a right to know what was going on before marrying this woman. Nate, who was supposed to be this platonic buddy with no romantic designs, who she'd lied to spend three nights with at his hotel had sent her what can only be described as a love letter and in it, he wrote about taking her back to California with him, where, if there was any breast-grabbing, it would be "tasteful and distinguished or lewd and inappropriate, anything but awkward and confusing," and because his bed was "meant for pants-on canoodling" and that purpose was "going unfulfilled." He further proposed dancing and awkward kisses after awkwardly professing his love and affection for her.
To say this letter was disturbing would be like saying the sun is warm. I had a slight melt down, swearing to myself, nosily stomping and banging around the cabin before going out for a smoke. I walked around outside a bit and debated just getting in my van and leaving Tina there. I nearly did, but I remembered promising her that I'd never leave without telling her, first. I took my promises seriously. I went back in, wrote "What the FUCK?!?!" on a piece of paper, left it on top of Nate's letter and asked myself if that was a good enough explanation. I figured it was, but I heard Tina stirring in the bedroom, so I decided to speak to her directly. That became quite an unpleasant scene and my head was spinning from the rapid-fire of outlandish lies Tina began shooting at me.
"You're going out to stay with him in California?" was just one of my many questions.
She insisted that she wasn't. She told me just the night before, she'd asked Nate to stop contacting her. She told me that the letter wasn't meant for me.
"I beg to differ," I'd said. "This is exactly the sort of thing I should see."
At one point, she told me that the letter from Nate wasn't genuine. She claimed it was a ruse they'd concocted together to test me and see if I'd snoop her correspondence. Evidently I failed the test.
She asked me to leave so I started collecting up my things while Tina went to the bathroom. I retrieved the half-gone half-gallon bottle of whiskey I'd bought for Tina from the freezer. She was more upset that I was taking the bottle than she was that I was removing myself and she put up such a fuss about it, I relented and let her keep it.
Ultimately, after considerable drama, we remained committed to pursuing therapy together, but after that fell apart (mostly over Nate), we broke up (again). I asked her again if she was planning to go to stay with Nate in California. She again insisted that she wasn't going to do that. "He asked me to come stay with him, but I don't want to do anything to lead him on," she'd said.
Tina got drunk at a wedding and fell, severely breaking her upper arm which left her out of commission for a while, but after healing a bit, she informed me that she was "leaving Minnesota for a while."
Maybe she meant she was going to Colorado to visit Nick, but I doubted it. Sure enough, a few days later, photos of her and Nate together in California and Nevada appeared on facebook.
I was never completely sure when the California plans were formed. I initially guessed that she'd discussed it with Nate when Tina and I were on the verge of breaking up. Bergt had a different take on it when I related the story to him. He was sure it was already planned before that. He figured it was planned out while Tina was at the Hotel with Nate and she was lying to me about it all along. Colorado was a ruse - a way to get away to California without me knowing where she was really going. Bergt was most likely right.
Sunday, November 18, 2018
Places I'm not welcome
Amber was going away for a weekend to participate in the nuptials of her roommates and Tina was tapped to stay at the house and look after her pets. I recalled some discussion of this ahead of time and had a fuzzy memory of Amber had telling me I could hang out over there to keep Tina company. When the time came for her to go, however, Tina said to me, "You know you can't come over, right?"
With everything we had going on at the time, I figured Tina could use some time to herself, but being told that I wasn't welcome came as a slap in the face. I was fairly confident in my recollection of being told earlier that I was welcome. Tina's assertion caused doubt, which is exactly what gaslighting is all about. "OK, that's fine, but why?" I asked.
"Because Kevin and Karen don't know you," Tina said. "They don't want strangers in their house."
They didn't know me well, but I'd met the betrothed couple a few times and I got along well with them. I couldn't imagine a scenario when any of my friends would ask me to house-sit and tell me that my fiance wasn't welcome or couldn't be trusted at their home (not even Tina). I was stunned.
Read the rest at the new Adventures of Dan and Tina.
With everything we had going on at the time, I figured Tina could use some time to herself, but being told that I wasn't welcome came as a slap in the face. I was fairly confident in my recollection of being told earlier that I was welcome. Tina's assertion caused doubt, which is exactly what gaslighting is all about. "OK, that's fine, but why?" I asked.
"Because Kevin and Karen don't know you," Tina said. "They don't want strangers in their house."
They didn't know me well, but I'd met the betrothed couple a few times and I got along well with them. I couldn't imagine a scenario when any of my friends would ask me to house-sit and tell me that my fiance wasn't welcome or couldn't be trusted at their home (not even Tina). I was stunned.
Read the rest at the new Adventures of Dan and Tina.
Saturday, November 10, 2018
Birthdays
It's Tina's birthday as I write. The last one of her twenties and the first one since I've known her when I don't have a gift for her. The first time, I bought her an antique jewelry box and took her out for a night on the town at some of the best, most expensive places I know in Minneapolis. The next year, I spent a month painting a jean jacket for her in old-school graffiti style. Last year I bought her a car. This year, I only have advice for her: "Get into treatment and counseling. Your life will continue to suck and get worse and worse if you don't. I guarantee it!"
About that car... I knew she was very anxious about where she was going to live and where she was going to work last year, since her Mom kept changing her mind about where to be and Tina was dependent on her for transportation.
Maura had floated the idea of staying at her Dad's cabin for at least a summer. Tina felt like she didn't have any control and told me she didn't want to start a job in the area if she was just going to have to move and have no way to get there.
I'd always been concerned about how isolated and dependent on her mother and others she was to get around and before we'd broken up the last time around, I had been planning to get her a car. We'd only been back together for a couple months, but it seemed like a car was what she really needed most just then, so, for her 28th birthday, I gave her a used Kia Optima. It was in great shape with low miles and I got it for a song because it didn't run. It only took about $700 to get it going but the repairs meant she wouldn't have it until a couple days after her birthday.
On her 28th birthday, I was working until 10:30 at night, but I was hoping and expecting to see Tina afterwards. She texted in the middle of my shift to let me know that Nate was going to take her out "for a little while" and that she'd keep me posted.
When I got done with work, I tried calling and texting, but Tina never answered. She didn't make any effort to "keep me posted" at all.
I went home to my lonely bed. Just before midnight, I shot her a Happy Birthday/Goodnight message and drifted off to sleep.
I was up before the sun and feeling anxious, for some reason. Maybe I was just upset that Tina ignored me on her birthday while she was out with Nate.
I tried texting her, not knowing if she'd be asleep, still up, or even where she was. There was no reply and I decided to drive over.
I guessed she'd be hung over, so I put together a care package of Gatorade, Monster Energy drinks and smokes and drove to her place early in the morning. There was an unfamilliar black Toyota parked in the driveway and I realized that Nate had spent the night and was still there.
I wasn't thrilled, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he just needed to crash out on the couch for a while.
I had some work to do, so I left without disturbing them and set to that for a few hours. I stopped at Target and got a fancy gift box, freshened up Tina's care package with a cold Gatorade, added some snacks and went back to her place.
The black Toyota was gone. I knocked on the door. Maura let me in. Tina was sleeping in Maura's bed. I let myself into the dark bedroom, feeling my way onto the bed and found a lump of hungover Tina under the covers. She roused easily and gratefully swigged her Gatorade.
She was in terrible condition for the rest of the day so I didn't end up taking her out for her birthday. She didn't say anything about Nate spending the night, and neither did I, but I did gently chide her. "I thought you were going to keep me posted," I said, draping an arm over her.
She told me she'd gone to bed "as soon as Nate dropped her off."
Scott and his daughters became the primary beneficiaries of the car I gave Tina, kept fueled and insured. I was paying for Scott's daughters to get to school and back
After my mom died, Tina was spending a lot of time with me at the house in Minneapolis, so we brought her car into town so she could get around when I was at work. She got into an accident that marred the front bumper but totalled the car she T-boned. Whe I asked for details about how the accident happened, she claimed not to remember where it happened. Some time later, she told me she was pulling out of the liquor store parking lot onto a busy road and somehow failed to see the car she ran into.
I know Tina wouldn't normally be one to drive drunk, but with the amount she'd been drinking around that time, I doubt if there was a moment in any given day that she'd pass for legal, even if she felt sober. You can't drink a gallon of whiskey a week and have any time without some alcohol in your blood. Livers just can't work that fast. I should point out I wasn't keeping track of the volume she was consuming at the time of the accident, but once I started paying attention, I found she was going through at least a handle of whiskey in 2-3 days time, by herself. That's more than I could have handled at my very worst before I got into treatment. It's epic-level drinking.
She didn't want to tell me she was at the liquor store. She hid how much she was drinking, even from me and I would have understood, even if I'd not have wanted her driving.
After the accident, Tina insisted that she'd never drive again and her car sat idle for weeks. My brother had an emergency situation with the family car so I lent him the Kia, since Tina wasn't using it. She seemed to resent that, but Jason and his family needed it. Tina had me to drive her and was refusing to drive, anyhow.
A while later, Tina and I were up at her grandpa's cabin and she was wasted at 8:00 in the morning. She wanted me to drive her over to her Dad's to ask him about getting one of his cars to use. I pointed out how amazingly terrible this idea was and she went to bed, instead, but the story got considerably crazier after that, which I will relate in another post.
About that car... I knew she was very anxious about where she was going to live and where she was going to work last year, since her Mom kept changing her mind about where to be and Tina was dependent on her for transportation.
Maura had floated the idea of staying at her Dad's cabin for at least a summer. Tina felt like she didn't have any control and told me she didn't want to start a job in the area if she was just going to have to move and have no way to get there.
I'd always been concerned about how isolated and dependent on her mother and others she was to get around and before we'd broken up the last time around, I had been planning to get her a car. We'd only been back together for a couple months, but it seemed like a car was what she really needed most just then, so, for her 28th birthday, I gave her a used Kia Optima. It was in great shape with low miles and I got it for a song because it didn't run. It only took about $700 to get it going but the repairs meant she wouldn't have it until a couple days after her birthday.
On her 28th birthday, I was working until 10:30 at night, but I was hoping and expecting to see Tina afterwards. She texted in the middle of my shift to let me know that Nate was going to take her out "for a little while" and that she'd keep me posted.
When I got done with work, I tried calling and texting, but Tina never answered. She didn't make any effort to "keep me posted" at all.
I went home to my lonely bed. Just before midnight, I shot her a Happy Birthday/Goodnight message and drifted off to sleep.
I was up before the sun and feeling anxious, for some reason. Maybe I was just upset that Tina ignored me on her birthday while she was out with Nate.
I tried texting her, not knowing if she'd be asleep, still up, or even where she was. There was no reply and I decided to drive over.
I guessed she'd be hung over, so I put together a care package of Gatorade, Monster Energy drinks and smokes and drove to her place early in the morning. There was an unfamilliar black Toyota parked in the driveway and I realized that Nate had spent the night and was still there.
I wasn't thrilled, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he just needed to crash out on the couch for a while.
I had some work to do, so I left without disturbing them and set to that for a few hours. I stopped at Target and got a fancy gift box, freshened up Tina's care package with a cold Gatorade, added some snacks and went back to her place.
The black Toyota was gone. I knocked on the door. Maura let me in. Tina was sleeping in Maura's bed. I let myself into the dark bedroom, feeling my way onto the bed and found a lump of hungover Tina under the covers. She roused easily and gratefully swigged her Gatorade.
She was in terrible condition for the rest of the day so I didn't end up taking her out for her birthday. She didn't say anything about Nate spending the night, and neither did I, but I did gently chide her. "I thought you were going to keep me posted," I said, draping an arm over her.
She told me she'd gone to bed "as soon as Nate dropped her off."
Scott and his daughters became the primary beneficiaries of the car I gave Tina, kept fueled and insured. I was paying for Scott's daughters to get to school and back
After my mom died, Tina was spending a lot of time with me at the house in Minneapolis, so we brought her car into town so she could get around when I was at work. She got into an accident that marred the front bumper but totalled the car she T-boned. Whe I asked for details about how the accident happened, she claimed not to remember where it happened. Some time later, she told me she was pulling out of the liquor store parking lot onto a busy road and somehow failed to see the car she ran into.
I know Tina wouldn't normally be one to drive drunk, but with the amount she'd been drinking around that time, I doubt if there was a moment in any given day that she'd pass for legal, even if she felt sober. You can't drink a gallon of whiskey a week and have any time without some alcohol in your blood. Livers just can't work that fast. I should point out I wasn't keeping track of the volume she was consuming at the time of the accident, but once I started paying attention, I found she was going through at least a handle of whiskey in 2-3 days time, by herself. That's more than I could have handled at my very worst before I got into treatment. It's epic-level drinking.
She didn't want to tell me she was at the liquor store. She hid how much she was drinking, even from me and I would have understood, even if I'd not have wanted her driving.
After the accident, Tina insisted that she'd never drive again and her car sat idle for weeks. My brother had an emergency situation with the family car so I lent him the Kia, since Tina wasn't using it. She seemed to resent that, but Jason and his family needed it. Tina had me to drive her and was refusing to drive, anyhow.
A while later, Tina and I were up at her grandpa's cabin and she was wasted at 8:00 in the morning. She wanted me to drive her over to her Dad's to ask him about getting one of his cars to use. I pointed out how amazingly terrible this idea was and she went to bed, instead, but the story got considerably crazier after that, which I will relate in another post.
Thursday, November 8, 2018
She Tells me Everything... Oh, I don't ask about that
It's always bothered me how the media just lazily tacks "gate" onto the end of some pertinent word to denote a government scandal. Watergate (the first "gate" scandal) was the name of a hotel. The Nixonian scandal involved a break in at DNC offices at the Watergate Hotel, so it was the "Watergate Scandal." "gate" has nothing to do with scandal. That said, "Nategate" works for me in describing Tina's illicit 3-night dalliance with Nate. It was scandalous. It involved Nate. It rhymes and it happened at a hotel. Close enough.
A week after Nategate, Tina was gone for another few days with Amber for Rockfest in Wisconsin.
The Sunday after Tina returned from that dubious roadtrip, she and I went to get new phones. I wanted to add her to my plan, since I'd been footing the bill for her pay-as-you-go phone, anyhow and adding her to my plan would save a little money. I also needed a new phone since mine had nearly wiped all my contacts, texts and emails in a bizarre charging mishap and I lost a newer chunk of photos that never got backed up. I no longer trusted my J7. T-Mobile had a deal on the new Samsung 9 Plus phones, the top of the line model: Buy one get one free if you add a line. Perfect! Tina and I both got new phones, cases and accessories. We got to work setting up our new phones and transferring data and pictures over from the old ones and after a couple hours had them in decent working order with some details left to iron out later.
Monday morning, while Tina was still in bed, I was tinkering away with my new phone and it occurred to me that I could recover at least some of my lost photos from Tina's old phone. They were the most precious kind of memories: Pictures of Tina and I having fun together and she had either taken or had copies of many of them. I picked up her old clunker, which was still powered on and would be functional for another day before her plan ran out. I turned on the screen to hunt for her gallery and noticed a red number 3 on her Snapchat icon, indicating new messages.
After Nategate, my trust level was at an all time low. I'd always considered Snapchat a shady app and had heard people refer to it as "Snapcheat" because of how it's designed to automatically burn all messages after reading. Still, I had the app installed (only for the Bitmoji add-on and because Tina did) and I knew her Mom also used it. My curiosity got the best of me and I tapped the icon to see who was snapping her and my heart immediately sank.
There were 3 new snaps from Doug. If I had to pick the name I'd least like to see pop up in Tina's Snapchat, that was it.
Knowing a bit about the app, I knew if I opened the snaps to see what he had to say, a couple things would ensue: 1. Doug would see that his messages were read and 2. The messages from Doug would get deleted before Tina could see them.
I was in a moral quandary. Tina's lies about Nate and Cassidy were very fresh in mind. I agonized about opening the messages for about an hour, sitting on the stoop puffing cigarettes like a lab rat in a cancer study.
Finally, my mistrust and need to know outweighed any moral or practical dilemmas I'd face and I tapped "Doug Ohmann," bringing up his three unread messages. Two were from Sunday. One had just been sent a couple hours earlier.
The messages were cryptic, at best. The first two were nothing but a question mark. The most recent just said, "hey."
It looked odd to me. When I had something to say or a question to ask someone by text, I just came out with it. I didn't ever feel like I had to hail them for attention, first. More agonizing. What I contemplated next definitely crossed a moral boundary. If I was going to find out what he really had to say, I'd have to impersonate and answer for Tina. After another hour of moralizing and rationalizing, hands shaking, I responded to Doug. His last message was "hey," so I found a Bitmoji of Tina's avatar saying "Hey you!" and sent it back to him.
Doug shot a message back immediately and it only got worse.
"What's up, beautiful?"
It felt like my heart stopped beating and my anxiety over my clandestine skunk op changed to full-blown panic. I tried to think of a response and see how far he'd go.
"Just rolled out of bed," I snapped back in Tina's name.
"That's when you look the best."
Ugh. This didn't look good. Not at all.
I sent a silly-faced emoij back, then must have tipped my hand with my next missive: "It's lonely here."
The entire catfishing expedition instantly vanished from the screen. Doug had aborted the conversation and covered his tracks before I thought to take a screenshot of any of it.
Now what?
I didn't try to prompt him into further conversation. I knew then that I'd have to come clean to Tina about my snooping and see what she had to say about what came of it. I was feeling pretty shitty about what I'd done and I was feeling pretty shitty about the overtly flirty and suggestive messages I found Doug was sending Tina. It just kept getting worse.
Tina was just rousing from sleep when I went back down into the apartment. I told her about my brief exchange with Doug in her name and that I was pretty concerned by his tack. I told her that I was ashamed of impersonating her and I was sorry. I described the exchange verbatim.
Tina was pretty upset about my impersonation and pressed me on that, rather than acknowledge the substance of the exchange. It seemed like since Tina never saw the messages, they didn't exist.
Maura came into the apartment while Tina were having an unpleasant conversation about the whole situation and asked what was wrong. Tina looked to me to explain and I did.
"What did he say?" Maura asked.
"What's up beautiful?"
"Well, yeah. He always thought Tina was pretty."
"And about how she looks the best when she's just rolled out of bed."
"I'll leave you two alone to work this out." Maura extracted herself to her bedroom.
A few days later, Maura and I were outside smoking. She asked how Tina and I were doing and I explained my frustration that she was completely unwilling to take any steps to make right the untenable situation she'd created with Nate.
"Tina's not a cheater, Dan. She tells me everything. Trust me. I'd know. You wouldn't have cared about her spending the night with Amber, would you? Nate's just a buddy."
"I would have cared a lot if she lied to me about it. If everything's on the up and up, why would she lie?" I brought up the snapchats from Doug. And said I also wanted her to ask him to stop contacting her.
"Now, see that would just be weird," Maura said."Sometimes when we visit, Doug is over there. I mean she can't just avoid him. And sometimes, we spend the night, so Doug's seen her waking up, just so you know."
"Tina told me Doug never goes over there anymore and that she hadn't seen Doug in a year, except when he showed up at Lina's."
Maura didn't have an answer for that.
"She said that Doug's a dirtbag and has no problem cutting off contact with him."
"She shouldn't have to do that. Just because he's a guy... Besides, he's with Olivia"
"So? What does that matter? Tina tells me he cheats on Olivia." I paused and looked closely at Maura. "You do know Tina and Doug had a sexual relationship, don't you?"
She seemed uncomfortable. "I wouldn't know. I don't ask about that. Maybe when Doug and Olivia were broke up that one month..."
And I thought Tina told her mom everything, so she'd know if Tina was a cheater.
"Well, Tina told me. And..." I thought about the time Tina told me she'd had sex with Doug in Scott's barn while his fiance Olivia was on the property, sleeping in a tent just outside, mere feet away from the action. I decided not to relate that story to Maura just then. Tina seemed to be ashamed of it. I left it at that.
"Well that was probably just..." She seemed to struggle to find a fresh lie or excuse. Seeming to find none, she trailed off with "sex..."
Probably just sex. Yeah. When they had sex it was probably sex, Maura!
I was a bit stunned to see how vehemently Maura would stick to a narrative, even when it was so plainly bullshit. I could see where Tina got it from.
I knew that for all her feigning ignorance that Maura was certainly fully aware of Tina's sexual relationship with Doug. I was pretty sure that Maura actually encouraged it, despite the all around disgusting, immoral, deceitful infidelity of it all. Tina once showed me a series of texts from her mom, trying to entice her away from my company for a while when she and I were alone out in Buffalo. She wanted Tina to come over to Scott's for the weekend. "Doug will be here," one of the messages said. "No Olivia."
Only after I read the messages, did Tina re-read them herself and think to address that last bit. "And I don't know why I should care if Doug is over there or has Olivia with him or not."
Although she insisted she didn't want to go over there, she did end up bailing on me to spend that weekend with her Mom's at Scott's. With Doug. No Olivia.
A week after Nategate, Tina was gone for another few days with Amber for Rockfest in Wisconsin.
The Sunday after Tina returned from that dubious roadtrip, she and I went to get new phones. I wanted to add her to my plan, since I'd been footing the bill for her pay-as-you-go phone, anyhow and adding her to my plan would save a little money. I also needed a new phone since mine had nearly wiped all my contacts, texts and emails in a bizarre charging mishap and I lost a newer chunk of photos that never got backed up. I no longer trusted my J7. T-Mobile had a deal on the new Samsung 9 Plus phones, the top of the line model: Buy one get one free if you add a line. Perfect! Tina and I both got new phones, cases and accessories. We got to work setting up our new phones and transferring data and pictures over from the old ones and after a couple hours had them in decent working order with some details left to iron out later.
Monday morning, while Tina was still in bed, I was tinkering away with my new phone and it occurred to me that I could recover at least some of my lost photos from Tina's old phone. They were the most precious kind of memories: Pictures of Tina and I having fun together and she had either taken or had copies of many of them. I picked up her old clunker, which was still powered on and would be functional for another day before her plan ran out. I turned on the screen to hunt for her gallery and noticed a red number 3 on her Snapchat icon, indicating new messages.
After Nategate, my trust level was at an all time low. I'd always considered Snapchat a shady app and had heard people refer to it as "Snapcheat" because of how it's designed to automatically burn all messages after reading. Still, I had the app installed (only for the Bitmoji add-on and because Tina did) and I knew her Mom also used it. My curiosity got the best of me and I tapped the icon to see who was snapping her and my heart immediately sank.
There were 3 new snaps from Doug. If I had to pick the name I'd least like to see pop up in Tina's Snapchat, that was it.
Knowing a bit about the app, I knew if I opened the snaps to see what he had to say, a couple things would ensue: 1. Doug would see that his messages were read and 2. The messages from Doug would get deleted before Tina could see them.
I was in a moral quandary. Tina's lies about Nate and Cassidy were very fresh in mind. I agonized about opening the messages for about an hour, sitting on the stoop puffing cigarettes like a lab rat in a cancer study.
Finally, my mistrust and need to know outweighed any moral or practical dilemmas I'd face and I tapped "Doug Ohmann," bringing up his three unread messages. Two were from Sunday. One had just been sent a couple hours earlier.
The messages were cryptic, at best. The first two were nothing but a question mark. The most recent just said, "hey."
It looked odd to me. When I had something to say or a question to ask someone by text, I just came out with it. I didn't ever feel like I had to hail them for attention, first. More agonizing. What I contemplated next definitely crossed a moral boundary. If I was going to find out what he really had to say, I'd have to impersonate and answer for Tina. After another hour of moralizing and rationalizing, hands shaking, I responded to Doug. His last message was "hey," so I found a Bitmoji of Tina's avatar saying "Hey you!" and sent it back to him.
Doug shot a message back immediately and it only got worse.
"What's up, beautiful?"
It felt like my heart stopped beating and my anxiety over my clandestine skunk op changed to full-blown panic. I tried to think of a response and see how far he'd go.
"Just rolled out of bed," I snapped back in Tina's name.
"That's when you look the best."
Ugh. This didn't look good. Not at all.
I sent a silly-faced emoij back, then must have tipped my hand with my next missive: "It's lonely here."
The entire catfishing expedition instantly vanished from the screen. Doug had aborted the conversation and covered his tracks before I thought to take a screenshot of any of it.
Now what?
I didn't try to prompt him into further conversation. I knew then that I'd have to come clean to Tina about my snooping and see what she had to say about what came of it. I was feeling pretty shitty about what I'd done and I was feeling pretty shitty about the overtly flirty and suggestive messages I found Doug was sending Tina. It just kept getting worse.
Tina was just rousing from sleep when I went back down into the apartment. I told her about my brief exchange with Doug in her name and that I was pretty concerned by his tack. I told her that I was ashamed of impersonating her and I was sorry. I described the exchange verbatim.
Tina was pretty upset about my impersonation and pressed me on that, rather than acknowledge the substance of the exchange. It seemed like since Tina never saw the messages, they didn't exist.
Maura came into the apartment while Tina were having an unpleasant conversation about the whole situation and asked what was wrong. Tina looked to me to explain and I did.
"What did he say?" Maura asked.
"What's up beautiful?"
"Well, yeah. He always thought Tina was pretty."
"And about how she looks the best when she's just rolled out of bed."
"I'll leave you two alone to work this out." Maura extracted herself to her bedroom.
A few days later, Maura and I were outside smoking. She asked how Tina and I were doing and I explained my frustration that she was completely unwilling to take any steps to make right the untenable situation she'd created with Nate.
"Tina's not a cheater, Dan. She tells me everything. Trust me. I'd know. You wouldn't have cared about her spending the night with Amber, would you? Nate's just a buddy."
"I would have cared a lot if she lied to me about it. If everything's on the up and up, why would she lie?" I brought up the snapchats from Doug. And said I also wanted her to ask him to stop contacting her.
"Now, see that would just be weird," Maura said."Sometimes when we visit, Doug is over there. I mean she can't just avoid him. And sometimes, we spend the night, so Doug's seen her waking up, just so you know."
"Tina told me Doug never goes over there anymore and that she hadn't seen Doug in a year, except when he showed up at Lina's."
Maura didn't have an answer for that.
"She said that Doug's a dirtbag and has no problem cutting off contact with him."
"She shouldn't have to do that. Just because he's a guy... Besides, he's with Olivia"
"So? What does that matter? Tina tells me he cheats on Olivia." I paused and looked closely at Maura. "You do know Tina and Doug had a sexual relationship, don't you?"
She seemed uncomfortable. "I wouldn't know. I don't ask about that. Maybe when Doug and Olivia were broke up that one month..."
And I thought Tina told her mom everything, so she'd know if Tina was a cheater.
"Well, Tina told me. And..." I thought about the time Tina told me she'd had sex with Doug in Scott's barn while his fiance Olivia was on the property, sleeping in a tent just outside, mere feet away from the action. I decided not to relate that story to Maura just then. Tina seemed to be ashamed of it. I left it at that.
"Well that was probably just..." She seemed to struggle to find a fresh lie or excuse. Seeming to find none, she trailed off with "sex..."
Probably just sex. Yeah. When they had sex it was probably sex, Maura!
I was a bit stunned to see how vehemently Maura would stick to a narrative, even when it was so plainly bullshit. I could see where Tina got it from.
I knew that for all her feigning ignorance that Maura was certainly fully aware of Tina's sexual relationship with Doug. I was pretty sure that Maura actually encouraged it, despite the all around disgusting, immoral, deceitful infidelity of it all. Tina once showed me a series of texts from her mom, trying to entice her away from my company for a while when she and I were alone out in Buffalo. She wanted Tina to come over to Scott's for the weekend. "Doug will be here," one of the messages said. "No Olivia."
Only after I read the messages, did Tina re-read them herself and think to address that last bit. "And I don't know why I should care if Doug is over there or has Olivia with him or not."
Although she insisted she didn't want to go over there, she did end up bailing on me to spend that weekend with her Mom's at Scott's. With Doug. No Olivia.
Relationship by Committee
"Sometimes I feel like I'm in a relationship with a committee, instead of just you," I told Tina. It was a frequent concern of mine. Tina and her Mom existed in a state of homeostasis. They were accustomed to making decisions together. I was a new element in that dynamic and probably a disruptive one, but I believed that as Tina and I were to be married, priority had to be on making decisions for the two of us. "I don't need two wives," I'd said.
Tina agreed with that sentiment, but often reversed course on agreements we'd formed together after conferring with her mother. It was frustrating, but I'm patient and adaptable. Ultimately, I just wanted everyone to be as happy as we could be in our circumstance. I was more than willing to compromise. It could be confusing having so many reversals, but everything about my relationship with Tina was confusing. It all kept me off balance.
I've come to learn that this kind of dependence on others for decision making is a common trait of people suffering from borderline personality disorder. It stems from a core lack of confidence. People with borderline traits often rely on a committee of sorts to govern the details of their lives.
Read this article at the new Adventures of Dan and Tina.
Tina agreed with that sentiment, but often reversed course on agreements we'd formed together after conferring with her mother. It was frustrating, but I'm patient and adaptable. Ultimately, I just wanted everyone to be as happy as we could be in our circumstance. I was more than willing to compromise. It could be confusing having so many reversals, but everything about my relationship with Tina was confusing. It all kept me off balance.
I've come to learn that this kind of dependence on others for decision making is a common trait of people suffering from borderline personality disorder. It stems from a core lack of confidence. People with borderline traits often rely on a committee of sorts to govern the details of their lives.
Read this article at the new Adventures of Dan and Tina.
Just like Tom
"I think it's funny that you feel threatened by Nate. Nate is no threat to you. Not by a long shot," Tina said.
I realized the similarities with the relationship my ex-wife had with a friend of mine. Those two had their buddy dates with increasing frequency towards the end of my marriage. It was beginning to make me uncomfortable. I knew Cris always carried a torch for Jessica. I imagined he helped push her along into divorce territory and once we were divorced, Jessica and Cris committed the cardinal sin of beginning a romantic relationship. Cris and I aren't friends anymore.
"He's your Cris. He's worse. Cris would never have even dreamed of asking Jessica to spend a night with him when we were married. Never in a million years. Where I come from that kind of thing gets your ass kicked."
She seemed disturbed by that notion. "I asked him."
"What?"
"I asked him if I could stay at his hotel."
I didn't believe her, but said "Where I come from, That gets you broken up with."
She nodded silently.
"Am I missing something? Is this a generational thing? Fuck, you're making me sound old, but in my day, none of this would be considered even remotely OK."
"No. It's not a generational thing. My friends would feel the same way."
"Then what the hell, Tina? Is this your way of forcing me to break up with you?"
She shook her head
"It's working. I don't understand what's going on here."
Maura came into the room. "Are you guys doing OK, here?" she asked, concerned.
Read the rest at the new Adventures of Dan and Tina.
Unsent Messages
After Tina and I broke up and I went to Miami to see a friend and try to get out of the deep depression I was in, Scott started inexplicably and belligerently texting me. It was strange and upsetting. "I hear you have a problem with me?" He wrote in one message. I eventually drafted a reply, but never sent it. Here's what I was thinking at the time:
Scott,
We don't really know each other. I'd say 99.9% of what I know about you I've heard from either Maura or Tina, so if I have a negative impression of you, where do you think I got it from?
One reason I never trusted you was that Tina would often leave your house with fresh marks on her body, some of which she attributed to you.
One weekend that Tina was spending at your house, she sent me a photo of herself in nothing but panties and there were bruises all over her inner-thighs, all the way up to her private business. The message that accompanied it was something of a cryptic apology, but she didn't offer an explanation until I saw her the next day. She told me that you had caused those marks on her. She tore her pants off in front of her mom and I and made a big, dramatic show of it, demanding that Maura talk to you about how you mistreat her. Maura just said, "OK I'll talk to him" like it was no big deal or surprise.
If I had offspring who showed me those marks and said my romantic partner was responsible, I'd have had a pretty strong reaction and a lot of questions for everybody involved.
Looking back on it, it was a pretty ridiculous production.
Just this last July, after she'd been over to your place, she had a wicked, huge black bruise on her arm, just above her elbow. She initially said it was from helping me move stuff out of my Mom's, but later on, she 'admitted' that you were responsible and she didn't want to tell me so I wouldn't get pissed off at you.
Now, I figure it was actually rough sex with Doug in your barn that caused all those marks, but I never knew what to think - only that Tina was often all fucked up both physically and emotionally after visiting your home and at least one of these two things was definitely true:
1. You were physically abusive to Tina
2. Tina was cheating on me on your property
Either is a very good reason for her fiance to be uncomfortable about her visiting your house!
What little I personally witnessed of your behavior was concerning, but what Tina said about how you spoke to and manhandled her was one reason I didn't like her hanging out at your place.
Bottom line, if you want to know why I don't like you, maybe just ask Tina what she told me about you. If you don't like how you come across in her stories, talk to her about it.
I'd be amazed if you haven't figured out by now that Tina and Maura are both compulsive liars.
Regards,
Dan
To Nate
You're only the third guy she lied to me about (that I know of) this year (and the others were "canoodling" partners of the pants-off variety).
I'd feel sorry for you getting hung up on Tina, but you've proven to be an unscrupulous asshole yourself, so you'll just get what you deserve.
I couldn't help but notice the irony of your claims about not using ruses and your words being the truth. I guess the exception is when you're inviting another guy's fiance back to your hotel room and lying to his face about it! It was Tina who concocted the crazy lie about your letter being a ruse. Of course I didn't believe her, but you just confirmed what I already knew.
I thought it was interesting that you characterized me as a "manipulative control freak." It's you and I who've been manipulated. Tina is a compulsive liar who sows discord between people to prevent them communicating and finding out her deceptions. Being gaslighted by Tina and Maura for years has been their effort to control my thoughts, decisions, actions and perception of reality. I've always just wanted the goddamn fucking truth.
I imagine that you think I'm a control freak because Tina told you something like "I feel like I can't have any friends," because that's exactly what she said to me when I expressed misgivings about discovering surreptitious communications with two of her (ostensibly) former sex partners.
I encouraged her friendship with you because she led me to believe that you weren't making romantic advances. I drove her to that restaurant in Minneapolis so you two could have dinner together. I bought her a car so she could have more independence and freedom and before that I drove her anywhere ANYWHERE she asked me to. She had almost unbridled freedom. I just didn't appreciate her sneaking around to chat up and hang out with (supposedly) former bang-buddies or being lied to about you.
You're supposed to be a smart guy. If Tina was lying to the guy she'd committed to marry, shared her bed with every night and professed profound and eternal love to about you, do you really think you're so special that she's being totally honest with you? I spent nearly every day and night with her. I know things that you don't have the slightest clue about.
I wanted to beat your ass after Tina disappeared to your hotel room for three nights - after being conspired against, lied to and humiliated by you, Tina and Amber, but really, it's Tina who's the problem. You're a fucking immoral asshole, but it was really Tina's job to guard our relationship against other suitors. She let us down. She doesn't seem to have a notion about healthy boundaries.
Without respect or regard,
Dan
To Maura:
Dear Maura,
I'm angry with you for gaslighting me and conspiring with Tina to control me by distorting my perception of reality. You've done immeasurable psychological harm to me. Behavior you assisted Tina with put me in the hospital twice. Didn't you learn after Tom was driven to suicidal gestures?
I'm even more angry with you for fucking Tina up so bad by introducing her to underage binge drinking, providing her a near limitless supply of really strong weed and teaching her that it's normal to sneak around, conspire, connive and lie to the man in your life. Who knows what else?
She lives in confusion, not understanding why it was OK to get drunk with you and your friends when she wasn't of age, but it's not OK now, or so she told me. You taught her all wrong. You've made her weak, incompetent and dependent on you. She's about to be 30 and can't possibly live on her own. It's sad. It's largely your fault.
The damage done doesn't have to be permanent but you make it worse by helping her lie, by covering for her alcoholic and immoral behaviors. You and Tina both need a big dose of the TRUTH to heal.
You are both living lives of destructive, hurtful and unsustainable lies. As long as you keep it up, you will wallow in misery. Get honest. Get real. Face consequences. Take responsibility for your actions and make amends and corrections when called for.
Like Tina, there is a special spark in you and you can be a very warm, kind person. You're ill. Tina is ill. Stop enabling her. Sunshine will vanquish my shame and it will work for you and Tina, too. Face the music. It's not as bad as you think and you can start living a good life!
Love,
Dan
To the Ex Neighbors
Dear former neighbors,
Everything is just water under the bridge now, and I'm happy to make a couple new friends!
Oh, and don't worry. It should go without saying, but if we do get together and hang out I won't try to perform anything on or for either of you. Just saying.
Your new friend,
Dan
Everything is just water under the bridge now, and I'm happy to make a couple new friends!
Oh, and don't worry. It should go without saying, but if we do get together and hang out I won't try to perform anything on or for either of you. Just saying.
Your new friend,
Dan
Learning What Hate Means
I thought I understood what hate was. I'd used the word - probably numerous times, to describe a someone I disliked, who angered me or perhaps a person I just found particularly disagreeable. "God, I hate that guy," I can remember saying more than once. I had no idea what I was saying. I had no idea what hatred really entailed, until Tina. Since I'd glibly engaged in hyperbole tossing around the word hate without grasping the depth and torment of the emotion, I felt a sufficiently horrible word had not yet been devised to describe the sad, angry and ever-present black loathing I was feeling.
Hating Tina became a second full time occupation. I found that the emotion had the same fervor that my love used to, which was beyond anything I'd previously experienced. Flipping that emotion into reverse stirred up a dark side of me I was astonished and somewhat frightened to discover.
My good friend, who has heard about everything I've ever had to say about anything in the forty some years I've known him was taken aback by the vitriol I sputtered whenever I spoke about Tina. He chastised me over my choice of words.
Read the rest at the new Adventures of Dan and Tina.
Hating Tina became a second full time occupation. I found that the emotion had the same fervor that my love used to, which was beyond anything I'd previously experienced. Flipping that emotion into reverse stirred up a dark side of me I was astonished and somewhat frightened to discover.
My good friend, who has heard about everything I've ever had to say about anything in the forty some years I've known him was taken aback by the vitriol I sputtered whenever I spoke about Tina. He chastised me over my choice of words.
Read the rest at the new Adventures of Dan and Tina.
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
Two Tinas
Life with Tina was so confusing, disorienting and confounding. It could seem like there were two Tina's or that she was in a kind-of Shrodinger's quantum state where she could exist in two contradictory states at once. She loved me and at the same time, she didn't. She was somehow simultaneously faithful and disloyal.
It was confusing and destabilizing to me. It's hard to imagine the chaos going on behind her stunning, bright hazel eyes. The webs and pathways holding her tenuous, contradictory reality together must be so astoundingly complex. Only someone with Tina's intelligence could manage a semblance of normalcy, which she did, but as I continued to get closer, the cracks were showing. She maintained different worlds and sowed discord between to prevent them colliding. When they did occasionally, inevitably collide, things got messy and complicated and Tina struggled.
It was confusing and destabilizing to me. It's hard to imagine the chaos going on behind her stunning, bright hazel eyes. The webs and pathways holding her tenuous, contradictory reality together must be so astoundingly complex. Only someone with Tina's intelligence could manage a semblance of normalcy, which she did, but as I continued to get closer, the cracks were showing. She maintained different worlds and sowed discord between to prevent them colliding. When they did occasionally, inevitably collide, things got messy and complicated and Tina struggled.
One Wedding Accomplished, one Averted
It was morning the 4th of July and according to what I'd been told, Tina and Nate should have been getting on their way from Amber's house to the wedding. That wasn't exactly what was happening, but it's what I was meant to believe. In truth, Tina had spent the night alone with Nate in his hotel room and would soon be his "date but not a date" to his brother's Independence Day nuptials.
I didn't have a very restful night. I kept waking up from disturbing dreams, so I was just going back to sleep while they would have been getting their day started.
I had the day free with no work and no particular plans. Under other circumstances Tina and I would probably have gone up to the lake to see her Dad, her Dog and stay at her Grandpa's cabin. That's exactly what we did on the last Independence Day we'd spent together, but she ended up vanishing like a ghost about a week later. We were apart, without contact for months on that occasion, but she never bothered to let me know that she was breaking up with me or why. She just disappeared. I wound up hospitalized over that incident, but that's another story.
Ultimately, I slept in pretty late, once I was finally exhausted from anxiety-tainted waking dreams. I didn't really roll out of bed until mid-afternoon. I looked at my phone. Recent messages from Maura caught my attention, first. She'd locked herself out of the apartment and was trying to get me to let her in. I never heard my phone beeping. I was out cold, but she'd managed to get herself in before I even saw the messages.
I saw that Tina had texted me a couple times, first just to tell me that she loved me more than manatees, then updating me on her and Nate's progress through his responsibilities for the wedding. Around 1:00 in the afternoon, she texted again to comment on how pretty the wedding venue was. "Thinking about our wedding. Love you!!!" she concluded.
I was expecting her back sometime after the wedding, since she'd said as much at least three or four times. I figured she'd be back late, since there was presumably a reception. I worried that she wouldn't actually be coming back at all. I wondered if she'd tell me she was going back to Amber's or something else that wasn't.
Later that evening I looked at Nate's facebook profile and saw his update, "Mission Accomplished: They're married!" and I thought, nice work, Cupid. One wedding accomplished and one averted.
After midnight, my phone blorped at me and my anxiety spiked immediately. I already knew who was texting, and by the time, roughly what the message would be.
"I am sleeping on the couch in Nate's hotel room. Long ass day..."
This was not a good message for Tina to transmit at this time. We'd already had a flap about where she was staying the night before and after midnight, she decided to admit to being in Nate's hotel room. If I had any lingering notion of believing Tina about sleeping at Amber's, it was gone. She had to know this would be upsetting. She had to know how this looked. She had to know that she was in the wrong. She and Nate had gone so far past reasonable boundaries that I literally couldn't see how far past the line they were. She apparently didn't care. My feelings were not even a factor.
"I'm concerned that we're at a crossroads, here," I replied minutes later. "I didn't really expect to see you tonight, but I've been waiting all day for you in Farmington, anyhow. I'm stupid."
I went outside to have a cigarette and take a walk while I gathered my thoughts and waited for her to reply.
She didn't.
I tossed around the idea of going back to my Mom's empty house in Minneapolis, but I hated staying there alone since she'd passed. I noticed her absence too much. I hated everything about that house by this point, dealing with her estate and my unhelpful brothers, but Tina had violated my trust and showed me that she was willing to put our relationship on the block for Nate's sake. I wanted to start packing my things to retreat back to home, but home was already sold. I couldn't stay there much longer. Moving in with Tina was supposed to be the next step in building our life together. I hadn't even finished moving in and the future was already in jeopardy. I was on shifting sands.
After a half-hour, I tried to prompt a reply from her. "I don't know what to do here. Should I just go back to Minneapolis?"
Nothing.
I walked around the block a few times and smoked half a pack of cigarettes ruminating on the situation. An hour or so later, I'd gathered my thoughts and finished up the night with "Hopefully I'll see you soon so you can tell me your thoughts and feelings and have a discussion.
"These are my thoughts and feelings, now that I've taken some time to analyze my distress.
"With respect to a relationship, you have done an extraordinary thing by being another man's date and spending a night away with him (two nights, now). For this not to incur strife in a relationship requires a leap of faith on my part. If you were being respectful of our relationship, you'd show that faith to be well-placed instead of using deception and demonstrating by action that your words can't be relied on.
"I'd think you and Nate would have taken pains to avoid me feeling that my faith was misplaced.
"For Nate's part, a gentleman in this situation would have made certain to avoid even the appearance of impropriety. Instead, he has lost my confidence."
I didn't swear or rant or berate her. I very honestly and thoughtfully expressed my feelings. I feel I stated my thoughts very calmly and respectfully until the end, when some sarcasm came through. "But I'm probably wrong to feel this way. Why should my feelings matter, anyway?
My phone remained frightfully silent the rest of the night. I slept fitfully in Tina's lonely bed.
My phone was in hand when I woke just before noon. I don't remember grabbing it off the nightstand, but my subconscious seemed intent on gathering information.
There were no missed calls or new messages.
Irked and very concerned, I prompted her again. "Are you coming home, today?" Whatever direction our next conversation was going to take, I knew it would be better to talk in person.
Another hour passed before Tina finally answered my disconcerted messages. 12:45: "I'm on my way back to Farmington."
I'd learned that Nate's hotel was in Roseville, which was no more than an hour's drive from Farmington. I figured she'd be arriving shortly and we needed to talk. Now.
"OK. See you soon, then. I love you."
Two hours passed and there was no sign or contact from Tina. I was pacing the driveway, going through a pack of cigarettes like it was a can of Pringles.
I decided I'd waited long enough. I had been planning to head back to Minneapolis to take care of some loose ends with Mom's estate and I'd been putting it off for no productive reason. Tina was just wasting my time.
Maura pulled her silver Saturn into the driveway and brought some bags out of her car. She could see that I was upset.
"Is Tina inside?" She asked.
"Tina is in Nate's hotel room or on her way back from there, or who knows where she is."
I brought Maura up to speed on everything. "I am so pissed off right now," I concluded after a breathless recounting.
"I would be, too," Maura said. "Let me put this stuff inside and I'll have a cigarette with you," she disappeared into the apartment for a while. I was just about to go in when she reemerged and lit a menthol.
My phone blorped. It was Tina texting. "I love you lots. I just went to Barnes and Noble and now I'm eating fancy Ramen."
Obviously, she wasn't on her "way back to Farmington." Nate had to bring her to what would definitely be one of her favorite places, bibliophile that she was and apparently followed it up with Dinner. Was he just trying to entice her to stay with him longer?
"Nate is going out with a girl tonight. I am going to stay here for a bit."
I related this new information to Maura. She squinted, thinking for a moment. "Ask her if she needs you to pick her up."
"Would it be helpful if I picked you up?" I texted.
"I want to swim and read and be away for a bit."
I told Maura what her daughter's reply was.
"She's probably freaked out thinking your mad at her. That kind of thing makes her want to run away."
"Well I am mad at her. This isn't cool at all and we need to talk about this."
Maura began making excuses for Tina. First, insisting that she believed Tina had spent that first night at Amber's and if she did spend a night in Nate's room, it was probably just for convenience. There's nothing going on between those two. It'd be like a couple buddies sharing a room on a road trip."
"They're 40 minutes away. It's not like crossing the Sahara to get Tina home and she's been fucking lying to me. None of this is OK." I put my cigarette out and lit another. "And Nate... I extended my hand in friendship to him, gave him my trust and he slapped me in the face. What kind of guy invites another man's fiance back to his fucking hotel room to spend the night?"
"Don't blame Nate. This is all Tina," she said, knowingly.
I resolved to make what was left of my day more productive and went back into town to take care of some unfinished business.
Feeling insulted on top of injury, I responded to Tina's belated change of plan. "OK. Thanks for letting me know. I put off business I was about to do two hours ago because I thought you were on your way back and I wanted to see you before I left. I'm heading out to do that stuff now."
I figured she'd still be back sometime that day. "I'll be back in a few hours," I added.
I went back to Mom's, trying to keep my mind on the business at hand. I'll talk this out with Tina later, I thought.
Two hours later, Tina texted again. "I am alone and reading. I love you. Amber wants to make Apple Pie tonight."
I sat on the couch in the half-packed up living room and looked around at all the work that still needed doing before closing on the sale of the house. I considered moving and storage options, but through it all, the one thought that dominated my mind was "What the fuck is up with Tina?"
"Feels like you are avoiding me. Should I just stay away?" I answered her new excuse.
"No! I want you close, forever ever! I'm eating kimchi with my fingers and reading a fantastic book... Enjoying the quiet and control of the thermostat. We're on the top floor... No upstairs neighbors."
"I need to get everything I want to keep out of the house by Monday. In other news, I don't work tomorrow." I needed some help with the house business and had been hoping I could count on my partner in life for some of that. She had other priorities.
"I will be back tomorrow."
I stared at that text and realized her message may as well have been in Sanscrit for all the meaning it had for me. A horrible sinking wave washed through me as I realized that her words had become worthless to me. I didn't believe she'd be back 'tomorrow.' I had no reason to believe her about anything.
"I'm sorry, but let me find a grain of salt and I'll try reading that again."
Clyde, my doggie, my buddy, my pal was in my ex-wife Jessica's custody and he'd been having health problems. He was almost 15 years old and we feared he didn't have much time left. He was anemic and had a tumor in his bowels. Jessica invited me over to see him. "You don't know how much time you have left to see him," she reminded me.
When I got there, I got my usual enthusiastic greeting from Clyde. He had been given steroids to reduce the inflammation from the tumor and seemed to be doing (relatively) pretty well that day, trotting around the yard a bit, sniffing squirrel tracks. Jessica suggested we take him for a walk, but cautioned that he could usually only do half a block. He tired very quickly.
On this day, after a block, he was raring to go, pulling on the leash, insisting on a longer walk. Jessica thought it would be too much for him, but I let the tail-wagging cocker lead on for another block and we approached a new ice cream shop that had opened in the neighborhood.
Jessica told me that she'd suggested to the owners that they sell doggie sundaes, since so many people walked dogs in the neighborhood and they took up her suggestion and started promoting it, so we had to stop in and get one to treat the dog. It was a good opportunity to let him rest a bit before making the walk back to the house. He was on a restrictive soft-foods diet so the ice cream was a great treat for him. Cow's milk doesn't generally agree with doggie digestion, but he loved it.
We had a nice time and Clyde seemed to be doing really well - better than expected so I was optimistic that he'd be around a bit longer, despite the cancer.
When I got back to Mom's, planning to spend the night there alone, I realized that I'd left my computer and medications at the apartment - because I thought I'd have reason to go back there. I thought Tina was finally going to get her wayward self home. So I had to have to drive back to Farmington. regardless.
When I woke up the next day in Tina's lonely bed and looked at my phone. I saw that Jessica had been trying to call me in the morning. I'd taken a few hydroxyzine tablets before lying down and I slept right through the phone's ringing. There was a text: "Clyde won't eat."
Then I listened to Jessica's voice mail. "Clyde really went downhill this morning. I'm going to have to take him in."
I texted her, "I'm up," then called, ready to hit the road and go to the vet, braced for the worst, but hoping for better.
"I had to put him down," Jessica's words hit me at mach one. I was not braced well enough. I staggered up the stairs. I don't remember what I said, exactly, but I felt like I had to go somewhere. Do something. It was already done. Jessica and Cris had brought Clyde in while I slept through my phone's alerts. He was my dog. My buddy. I should have been there. I stepped out onto the stoop and sat down heavily on a step as I listened to Jessica relate his condition and his last moments. It was too much. Tina gone AWOL with Nate. My Mom, my main support outside of Tina, gone. The house. My Dad. My brothers. I had been pulling off some semblance of holding together, but now I fell apart. I shattered. I let Jessica go and sat there staring into the neighbor's yard, seeing their dogs, seeing my Dog.
Maura came out to smoke and asked if I'd heard anything more from Tina.
"No and I think I'm going to leave."
She told me that she was certain that Tina had been at Amber's the first night after Bingo. She told me that Tina loves and adores me, that she says so all the time.
I was sullen; shattered; looking at pieces of my life breaking off and smashing on the pavement.
"Are you OK?" her face showed genuine concern as she looked me over.
"Clyde is gone," I said in a slow monotone. "Jessica had to put him down this morning while I was sleeping."
"Oh, no! I'm so sorry to hear that, Dan. Does Tina know?"
"No. I think I'm done talking to her."
Maura put on a sad frown. "Dan..." she trailed off. She snuffed her cigarette and went back down into the apartment.
I went down a few moments later intent on packing up my things and leaving this crazy mess. I saw Maura in the kitchen, looking down at her phone. I figured she was messaging Tina about Clyde.
Whatever. I went into the bedroom and started gathering my clothes out of the closet.
Blorp. "I'm on my way... For real," came the text at 1:00. I didn't answer. I kept packing. I filled my suitcases, I loaded my suits and shirts, still on hangars into my van.
Two and a half hours later, I was pretty much ready to leave with all of my important possessions packed and loaded. There were some trickier things I could retrieve at a later date.
I looked at the time and re-read Tina's meaningless message.
"Oh. For really real, this time? OK. Well, I won't be there... for real," I shot back.
Immediately after sending that terminal message, I noticed that I'd actually missed a call from Tina, earlier. A voice call was a rarity from Tina. Intrigued, I called her back to see what she had to say. She told me how sorry she was to hear of Clyde's passing and assured me she was getting into the car to come home to me right that minute.
I decided to wait a bit before heading back to my soon to be sold home. I still wanted to have words with Tina, even if it would be the last words we shared. Also, my amygdala was screaming at me to slap the piss out of Nate. I resolved to be in the driveway when he brought her back.
Between Tina and I there was apparently a fundamental disagreement on the meaning of the phrase, "I'm on my way," Which she asserted at 1:00.
At 4:05, she texted again, "Almost there."
At about 4:30, Nate's silver rental car pulled into the driveway. Tina made haste out of the car. Nate popped the trunk for her from his driver seat but made no move to get out of the car as I stared at him through the windshield.
Tina had more bags than when she left. I guess they had gone shopping. I assume Nate bought her a book. Maybe more.
Just before they arrived, Maura advised that I treat Tina gently. "Hugs and kisses, first," she had said.
My instinct had been to open the door for Tina and help with the bags she was awkwardly yanking out of the trunk. She seemed rushed. She was out and arms loaded before I could even get to her.
I gazed angrily back at Nate, considering my next action. My amygdala was still screaming at me but my super-ego was telling me not to get physical because... I'm not sure. I couldn't really make it out over my lizard brain screaming for rapid violence, but I kept my cool.
Ultimately, an angry stare was all Nate got from me, but the slightest nuance could have set off a forceful extraction from that silver car and a beating beyond my natural bounds. I was on the razor's edge.
They didn't hug or even appear to exchange goodbyes. Nate backed out of the driveway with haste and he was gone, down the road while I gave Tina a one-armed over the shoulder semi-hug and followed her into the apartment so she could unload her bags before we talked.
Suddenly, teary-eyed, saying "I'm sorry," Tina pulled me in to a tight embrace and held me like that for a long time.
I'm not a hugger. When I encounter people relatively close enough to me who are huggers, I try to keep it brief. There comes a time, even with my love when a hug feels too long. I don't know if it could be measured in minutes or seconds. It's hug time. Hugging has it's own dimension of time. This was a long hug. After some murmured platitudes about Clyde, she said again, "I'm sorry."
My cheeks were wet with Tina's tears. I broke her hold on me and stepped back. "For what?" I asked. I wanted to see if she'd be honest with me. I wanted to know what she felt she should apologize for and what she was willing to confess. I wanted to know if it was a genuine and complete apology. I needed to know if she could even comprehend why what she had done was so terribly wrong. I was disappointed.
"For being away from you," she said.
I shook my head, slightly stunned. Not even close.
As I recount these events, four months have passed but reliving the pain of her humiliating betrayal still brings bitter tears to my eyes. I doted on her. I believed it when she said loved me beyond all else. No one had ever hurt me so profoundly. It still affects me and I'm ashamed of myself for it.
In the aftermath, trying as hard as I was to find a path forward for us, Tina actually kept making it worse and worse despite every opportunity and then some being offered to make it right.
I didn't have a very restful night. I kept waking up from disturbing dreams, so I was just going back to sleep while they would have been getting their day started.
I had the day free with no work and no particular plans. Under other circumstances Tina and I would probably have gone up to the lake to see her Dad, her Dog and stay at her Grandpa's cabin. That's exactly what we did on the last Independence Day we'd spent together, but she ended up vanishing like a ghost about a week later. We were apart, without contact for months on that occasion, but she never bothered to let me know that she was breaking up with me or why. She just disappeared. I wound up hospitalized over that incident, but that's another story.
Ultimately, I slept in pretty late, once I was finally exhausted from anxiety-tainted waking dreams. I didn't really roll out of bed until mid-afternoon. I looked at my phone. Recent messages from Maura caught my attention, first. She'd locked herself out of the apartment and was trying to get me to let her in. I never heard my phone beeping. I was out cold, but she'd managed to get herself in before I even saw the messages.
I saw that Tina had texted me a couple times, first just to tell me that she loved me more than manatees, then updating me on her and Nate's progress through his responsibilities for the wedding. Around 1:00 in the afternoon, she texted again to comment on how pretty the wedding venue was. "Thinking about our wedding. Love you!!!" she concluded.
I was expecting her back sometime after the wedding, since she'd said as much at least three or four times. I figured she'd be back late, since there was presumably a reception. I worried that she wouldn't actually be coming back at all. I wondered if she'd tell me she was going back to Amber's or something else that wasn't.
Later that evening I looked at Nate's facebook profile and saw his update, "Mission Accomplished: They're married!" and I thought, nice work, Cupid. One wedding accomplished and one averted.
After midnight, my phone blorped at me and my anxiety spiked immediately. I already knew who was texting, and by the time, roughly what the message would be.
"I am sleeping on the couch in Nate's hotel room. Long ass day..."
This was not a good message for Tina to transmit at this time. We'd already had a flap about where she was staying the night before and after midnight, she decided to admit to being in Nate's hotel room. If I had any lingering notion of believing Tina about sleeping at Amber's, it was gone. She had to know this would be upsetting. She had to know how this looked. She had to know that she was in the wrong. She and Nate had gone so far past reasonable boundaries that I literally couldn't see how far past the line they were. She apparently didn't care. My feelings were not even a factor.
"I'm concerned that we're at a crossroads, here," I replied minutes later. "I didn't really expect to see you tonight, but I've been waiting all day for you in Farmington, anyhow. I'm stupid."
I went outside to have a cigarette and take a walk while I gathered my thoughts and waited for her to reply.
She didn't.
I tossed around the idea of going back to my Mom's empty house in Minneapolis, but I hated staying there alone since she'd passed. I noticed her absence too much. I hated everything about that house by this point, dealing with her estate and my unhelpful brothers, but Tina had violated my trust and showed me that she was willing to put our relationship on the block for Nate's sake. I wanted to start packing my things to retreat back to home, but home was already sold. I couldn't stay there much longer. Moving in with Tina was supposed to be the next step in building our life together. I hadn't even finished moving in and the future was already in jeopardy. I was on shifting sands.
After a half-hour, I tried to prompt a reply from her. "I don't know what to do here. Should I just go back to Minneapolis?"
Nothing.
I walked around the block a few times and smoked half a pack of cigarettes ruminating on the situation. An hour or so later, I'd gathered my thoughts and finished up the night with "Hopefully I'll see you soon so you can tell me your thoughts and feelings and have a discussion.
"These are my thoughts and feelings, now that I've taken some time to analyze my distress.
"With respect to a relationship, you have done an extraordinary thing by being another man's date and spending a night away with him (two nights, now). For this not to incur strife in a relationship requires a leap of faith on my part. If you were being respectful of our relationship, you'd show that faith to be well-placed instead of using deception and demonstrating by action that your words can't be relied on.
"I'd think you and Nate would have taken pains to avoid me feeling that my faith was misplaced.
"For Nate's part, a gentleman in this situation would have made certain to avoid even the appearance of impropriety. Instead, he has lost my confidence."
I didn't swear or rant or berate her. I very honestly and thoughtfully expressed my feelings. I feel I stated my thoughts very calmly and respectfully until the end, when some sarcasm came through. "But I'm probably wrong to feel this way. Why should my feelings matter, anyway?
My phone remained frightfully silent the rest of the night. I slept fitfully in Tina's lonely bed.
My phone was in hand when I woke just before noon. I don't remember grabbing it off the nightstand, but my subconscious seemed intent on gathering information.
There were no missed calls or new messages.
Irked and very concerned, I prompted her again. "Are you coming home, today?" Whatever direction our next conversation was going to take, I knew it would be better to talk in person.
Another hour passed before Tina finally answered my disconcerted messages. 12:45: "I'm on my way back to Farmington."
I'd learned that Nate's hotel was in Roseville, which was no more than an hour's drive from Farmington. I figured she'd be arriving shortly and we needed to talk. Now.
"OK. See you soon, then. I love you."
Two hours passed and there was no sign or contact from Tina. I was pacing the driveway, going through a pack of cigarettes like it was a can of Pringles.
I decided I'd waited long enough. I had been planning to head back to Minneapolis to take care of some loose ends with Mom's estate and I'd been putting it off for no productive reason. Tina was just wasting my time.
Maura pulled her silver Saturn into the driveway and brought some bags out of her car. She could see that I was upset.
"Is Tina inside?" She asked.
"Tina is in Nate's hotel room or on her way back from there, or who knows where she is."
I brought Maura up to speed on everything. "I am so pissed off right now," I concluded after a breathless recounting.
"I would be, too," Maura said. "Let me put this stuff inside and I'll have a cigarette with you," she disappeared into the apartment for a while. I was just about to go in when she reemerged and lit a menthol.
My phone blorped. It was Tina texting. "I love you lots. I just went to Barnes and Noble and now I'm eating fancy Ramen."
Obviously, she wasn't on her "way back to Farmington." Nate had to bring her to what would definitely be one of her favorite places, bibliophile that she was and apparently followed it up with Dinner. Was he just trying to entice her to stay with him longer?
"Nate is going out with a girl tonight. I am going to stay here for a bit."
I related this new information to Maura. She squinted, thinking for a moment. "Ask her if she needs you to pick her up."
"Would it be helpful if I picked you up?" I texted.
"I want to swim and read and be away for a bit."
I told Maura what her daughter's reply was.
"She's probably freaked out thinking your mad at her. That kind of thing makes her want to run away."
"Well I am mad at her. This isn't cool at all and we need to talk about this."
Maura began making excuses for Tina. First, insisting that she believed Tina had spent that first night at Amber's and if she did spend a night in Nate's room, it was probably just for convenience. There's nothing going on between those two. It'd be like a couple buddies sharing a room on a road trip."
"They're 40 minutes away. It's not like crossing the Sahara to get Tina home and she's been fucking lying to me. None of this is OK." I put my cigarette out and lit another. "And Nate... I extended my hand in friendship to him, gave him my trust and he slapped me in the face. What kind of guy invites another man's fiance back to his fucking hotel room to spend the night?"
"Don't blame Nate. This is all Tina," she said, knowingly.
I resolved to make what was left of my day more productive and went back into town to take care of some unfinished business.
Feeling insulted on top of injury, I responded to Tina's belated change of plan. "OK. Thanks for letting me know. I put off business I was about to do two hours ago because I thought you were on your way back and I wanted to see you before I left. I'm heading out to do that stuff now."
I figured she'd still be back sometime that day. "I'll be back in a few hours," I added.
I went back to Mom's, trying to keep my mind on the business at hand. I'll talk this out with Tina later, I thought.
Two hours later, Tina texted again. "I am alone and reading. I love you. Amber wants to make Apple Pie tonight."
I sat on the couch in the half-packed up living room and looked around at all the work that still needed doing before closing on the sale of the house. I considered moving and storage options, but through it all, the one thought that dominated my mind was "What the fuck is up with Tina?"
"Feels like you are avoiding me. Should I just stay away?" I answered her new excuse.
"No! I want you close, forever ever! I'm eating kimchi with my fingers and reading a fantastic book... Enjoying the quiet and control of the thermostat. We're on the top floor... No upstairs neighbors."
"I need to get everything I want to keep out of the house by Monday. In other news, I don't work tomorrow." I needed some help with the house business and had been hoping I could count on my partner in life for some of that. She had other priorities.
"I will be back tomorrow."
I stared at that text and realized her message may as well have been in Sanscrit for all the meaning it had for me. A horrible sinking wave washed through me as I realized that her words had become worthless to me. I didn't believe she'd be back 'tomorrow.' I had no reason to believe her about anything.
"I'm sorry, but let me find a grain of salt and I'll try reading that again."
Clyde, my doggie, my buddy, my pal was in my ex-wife Jessica's custody and he'd been having health problems. He was almost 15 years old and we feared he didn't have much time left. He was anemic and had a tumor in his bowels. Jessica invited me over to see him. "You don't know how much time you have left to see him," she reminded me.
When I got there, I got my usual enthusiastic greeting from Clyde. He had been given steroids to reduce the inflammation from the tumor and seemed to be doing (relatively) pretty well that day, trotting around the yard a bit, sniffing squirrel tracks. Jessica suggested we take him for a walk, but cautioned that he could usually only do half a block. He tired very quickly.
On this day, after a block, he was raring to go, pulling on the leash, insisting on a longer walk. Jessica thought it would be too much for him, but I let the tail-wagging cocker lead on for another block and we approached a new ice cream shop that had opened in the neighborhood.
Jessica told me that she'd suggested to the owners that they sell doggie sundaes, since so many people walked dogs in the neighborhood and they took up her suggestion and started promoting it, so we had to stop in and get one to treat the dog. It was a good opportunity to let him rest a bit before making the walk back to the house. He was on a restrictive soft-foods diet so the ice cream was a great treat for him. Cow's milk doesn't generally agree with doggie digestion, but he loved it.
We had a nice time and Clyde seemed to be doing really well - better than expected so I was optimistic that he'd be around a bit longer, despite the cancer.
When I got back to Mom's, planning to spend the night there alone, I realized that I'd left my computer and medications at the apartment - because I thought I'd have reason to go back there. I thought Tina was finally going to get her wayward self home. So I had to have to drive back to Farmington. regardless.
When I woke up the next day in Tina's lonely bed and looked at my phone. I saw that Jessica had been trying to call me in the morning. I'd taken a few hydroxyzine tablets before lying down and I slept right through the phone's ringing. There was a text: "Clyde won't eat."
Then I listened to Jessica's voice mail. "Clyde really went downhill this morning. I'm going to have to take him in."
I texted her, "I'm up," then called, ready to hit the road and go to the vet, braced for the worst, but hoping for better.
"I had to put him down," Jessica's words hit me at mach one. I was not braced well enough. I staggered up the stairs. I don't remember what I said, exactly, but I felt like I had to go somewhere. Do something. It was already done. Jessica and Cris had brought Clyde in while I slept through my phone's alerts. He was my dog. My buddy. I should have been there. I stepped out onto the stoop and sat down heavily on a step as I listened to Jessica relate his condition and his last moments. It was too much. Tina gone AWOL with Nate. My Mom, my main support outside of Tina, gone. The house. My Dad. My brothers. I had been pulling off some semblance of holding together, but now I fell apart. I shattered. I let Jessica go and sat there staring into the neighbor's yard, seeing their dogs, seeing my Dog.
Maura came out to smoke and asked if I'd heard anything more from Tina.
"No and I think I'm going to leave."
She told me that she was certain that Tina had been at Amber's the first night after Bingo. She told me that Tina loves and adores me, that she says so all the time.
I was sullen; shattered; looking at pieces of my life breaking off and smashing on the pavement.
"Are you OK?" her face showed genuine concern as she looked me over.
"Clyde is gone," I said in a slow monotone. "Jessica had to put him down this morning while I was sleeping."
"Oh, no! I'm so sorry to hear that, Dan. Does Tina know?"
"No. I think I'm done talking to her."
Maura put on a sad frown. "Dan..." she trailed off. She snuffed her cigarette and went back down into the apartment.
I went down a few moments later intent on packing up my things and leaving this crazy mess. I saw Maura in the kitchen, looking down at her phone. I figured she was messaging Tina about Clyde.
Whatever. I went into the bedroom and started gathering my clothes out of the closet.
Blorp. "I'm on my way... For real," came the text at 1:00. I didn't answer. I kept packing. I filled my suitcases, I loaded my suits and shirts, still on hangars into my van.
Two and a half hours later, I was pretty much ready to leave with all of my important possessions packed and loaded. There were some trickier things I could retrieve at a later date.
I looked at the time and re-read Tina's meaningless message.
"Oh. For really real, this time? OK. Well, I won't be there... for real," I shot back.
Immediately after sending that terminal message, I noticed that I'd actually missed a call from Tina, earlier. A voice call was a rarity from Tina. Intrigued, I called her back to see what she had to say. She told me how sorry she was to hear of Clyde's passing and assured me she was getting into the car to come home to me right that minute.
I decided to wait a bit before heading back to my soon to be sold home. I still wanted to have words with Tina, even if it would be the last words we shared. Also, my amygdala was screaming at me to slap the piss out of Nate. I resolved to be in the driveway when he brought her back.
Between Tina and I there was apparently a fundamental disagreement on the meaning of the phrase, "I'm on my way," Which she asserted at 1:00.
At 4:05, she texted again, "Almost there."
At about 4:30, Nate's silver rental car pulled into the driveway. Tina made haste out of the car. Nate popped the trunk for her from his driver seat but made no move to get out of the car as I stared at him through the windshield.
Tina had more bags than when she left. I guess they had gone shopping. I assume Nate bought her a book. Maybe more.
Just before they arrived, Maura advised that I treat Tina gently. "Hugs and kisses, first," she had said.
My instinct had been to open the door for Tina and help with the bags she was awkwardly yanking out of the trunk. She seemed rushed. She was out and arms loaded before I could even get to her.
I gazed angrily back at Nate, considering my next action. My amygdala was still screaming at me but my super-ego was telling me not to get physical because... I'm not sure. I couldn't really make it out over my lizard brain screaming for rapid violence, but I kept my cool.
Ultimately, an angry stare was all Nate got from me, but the slightest nuance could have set off a forceful extraction from that silver car and a beating beyond my natural bounds. I was on the razor's edge.
They didn't hug or even appear to exchange goodbyes. Nate backed out of the driveway with haste and he was gone, down the road while I gave Tina a one-armed over the shoulder semi-hug and followed her into the apartment so she could unload her bags before we talked.
Suddenly, teary-eyed, saying "I'm sorry," Tina pulled me in to a tight embrace and held me like that for a long time.
I'm not a hugger. When I encounter people relatively close enough to me who are huggers, I try to keep it brief. There comes a time, even with my love when a hug feels too long. I don't know if it could be measured in minutes or seconds. It's hug time. Hugging has it's own dimension of time. This was a long hug. After some murmured platitudes about Clyde, she said again, "I'm sorry."
My cheeks were wet with Tina's tears. I broke her hold on me and stepped back. "For what?" I asked. I wanted to see if she'd be honest with me. I wanted to know what she felt she should apologize for and what she was willing to confess. I wanted to know if it was a genuine and complete apology. I needed to know if she could even comprehend why what she had done was so terribly wrong. I was disappointed.
"For being away from you," she said.
I shook my head, slightly stunned. Not even close.
As I recount these events, four months have passed but reliving the pain of her humiliating betrayal still brings bitter tears to my eyes. I doted on her. I believed it when she said loved me beyond all else. No one had ever hurt me so profoundly. It still affects me and I'm ashamed of myself for it.
In the aftermath, trying as hard as I was to find a path forward for us, Tina actually kept making it worse and worse despite every opportunity and then some being offered to make it right.
Thursday, November 1, 2018
Bingo
July 3rd was the day before Tina was supposed to be Nate's date to his brother's wedding. I hadn't realized when I was asked about her going that it would ruin Independence Day for us, but, Nate and Tina would have fewer opportunities to see each other with him in California, so I tried not to let that bother me. Just that day, Tina let me know she was going out to play bingo with Nate and Amber. I had the day off, but she didn't ask me to come along. Instead, she just told me that Nate was going to be picking her up.
Tina was busy doing something in her bedroom and Maura came into the living room while I was reading emails on my phone. "Are you going with to Bingo?" she asked me.
"I don't think so. I wasn't invited."
Maura didn't say anything, but turned and marched right into Tina's bedroom, closing the door behind her. I could guess at the conversation.
Tina came out a bit later. "Would you like to go to Bingo with us?"
"If you want me to. I got the idea you didn't want me to go." I felt like some snot-nosed little tag-along step-brother her mom was making her bring.
"Of course I do. I just didn't think you'd be interested. You can come if you want to, but if you want to stay here, I'll understand."
"Sure. I'll go. Then I can drive and Nate won't have to come all the way down here to pick you up."
Tina got busy texting Nate about this development, then went back into the bedroom. I followed her in and saw that she was packing an overnight bag.
"What's with the bag?" I asked, surprised.
"Oh. We're going to spend the night at Amber's and all go to the wedding from there, tomorrow," she rummaged in her dresser as she spoke.
First I'd heard of it. I was feeling a bit anxious. Something was up.
Nate was Amber's roommate at one time, so it didn't seem that out of line that he'd be spending the night with her while he was in town. If they were all going to the wedding together, it made sense, but I thought it was more than odd that Tina never bothered to mention any overnight plans to me until she was about to carry them out.
I thought it was important to give Tina her space and was leery about asking any questions that may make me seem suspicious. Tina had done a tremendous job of convincing me that I'd been paranoid and delusional, making wild, hurtful accusations in my drinking days, so I was cautious with that. I'd also made one particularly damning mistake I never wanted to repeat. I was wrong about that one thing. Very wrong. I said nothing further on the subject and decided to see what Bingo would bring.
Tina put her bag in my van and we drove out to a Cinema bar for Bingo night. We were the first to arrive by a considerable span. Nate, Amber and Shelly, a lady friend of Nate's I'd never met before joined us at the table, while Tina and I were just finishing dinner.
I bought Tina and I some Bingo cards and I won $40 on the first game. Not a bad start. Everyone at our table won at least one round, except for Tina.
Nate was enthused to talk about his new home. "California's great, but there's no Renaissance Festival, he was saying.
"Maybe not like here, but there are renaissance fairs everywhere," I put in.
"There's nothing like the Minnesota Renaissance Festival, but we do have Burning Man."
As it happened, I had just read an article about Burning Man and Tina's next weekend away from me for Rock Fest was on my mind. I also felt like probing the attitudes and mores of Tina's friends, whom I'd still not had much chance to get to know after 3 years. "Burning Man is the hookup capitol of music festivals," I said. "Bunch of alternative lifestyle folks. Dirty unwashed hippies, free love and all that." I think I let just a hint of my disdain for the notion shine through.
I had everyone's attention, but Tina lurched in first. "Then we should go there and consummate our open relationship and have a contest to see who can get the most STDs!"
"Gross," I replied. "Let's not!" That quip about 'our open relationship' stuck with me. It only seemed half-joking. Tina's behavior had been bothering me all day. She was not herself and I got the impression she was trying to manage the conversation between her friends and I.
As the drinks and conversation flowed, it became apparent that Amber was not attending the wedding, contrary to my earlier impression.
After Bingo wrapped up, Tina asked me to have a cigarette out on the patio with her so we excused ourselves. Outside, I sparked up an American Spirit.
Tina seemed nervous. She didn't light one of her own cigarettes. "I forgot something. I'll be right back," she said, hurrying back into the bar while I took a drag.
I finished my cigarette alone. Tina came back out as I was extinguishing it. "Well," she said, it's getting late, and it's getting to be about that time for us to get going." She seemed even more nervous than before. There was almost a look of desperation in her eyes.
The sun was still up. I guessed it was about nine.
"Really?" I was surprised. "You guys are calling it a night already?"
"We're not calling it a night, we're just going to get back to Amber's. We'll probably have a couple drinks there before we go to bed." She fidgeted.
"OK."
"So, I'm going to have to get my bag out of your van."
"OK."
She put her cigarette out after just a few drags and made for the door. I followed her back into the bar and we went back to our table. Nate was absent.
"Where did Nate go?" Tina asked. "I have to put my bag in his car."
"Bathroom," replied Shelly.
Tina took a seat.
"We could just go put your bag into Amber's car," I suggested, seeing her approaching the table.
"No. That's OK. I want to put it in Nate's car," Tina replied.
My suspicion level had already been elevated. Now I knew I was being managed and manipulated. Some part of my brain was putting a curtain over the big picture, though. I wanted to believe Tina's intentions were basically innocent, but I tested the waters. "Make sure and keep Tina out of trouble tonight," I floated to Amber.
"That's a tall order," she replied noncommittally. Amber had a hint of nervous energy about her, too, but I didn't know her well enough to read her face. She might have been confused.
Nate came back to the table.
"Well," Tina took charge, "if everyone's settled up, should we get going?" She half-swiveled in her seat as if to get up.
"Let me finish my drink," Shelly said.
Amber also had some beer left.
Tina turned back towards the group, engaging in a lot of chatter. I didn't say anything and I kept my ears open.
After drinks were all empty, we all made our way out into the parking lot, splitting off into different directions. Shelly got into her car. Tina and I walked towards my van to retrieve her bag and Nate and Amber had stopped in the middle of the lane to chat. It looked like a Minnesota goodbye.
"So, where's your hotel at?" I heard Amber ask.
As Tina popped open my back hatch, I spun around and stalked up to Nate and Amber. The last thing I wanted was to come across as some suspicious, jealous ogre. My heart was pounding. My nerves on end. I wasn't able to ignore that question.
I put my hands up in a "hold on" gesture. "Tina's sleeping at Amber's, tonight, right?"
They visibly froze, taking too long to respond. Nate was first to jump in with a sting of nervous "Yeah yeah yeahs."
"Um, I mean, I think so?," Amber chimed in a bit late.
"OK," I said. "Never mind." I actually felt embarrassed. Shaking my head, I started back towards Tina and my van.
"What was that about?" She asked, closing the hatch.
"Nothing. Never mind," I responded, but I felt panic and cognitive dissonance setting in.
Pulling her roller bag behind her, she gave me a one-armed hug and quick peck. "I love you. I'll see you tomorrow after the wedding," she said, making haste towards Nate's car. I got in my van, set my GPS to get me back to Tina's, which was now my only home and drove off, my mind tumbling all the circumstances of the day. Why would Nate sleep on the floor or sofa with the limited space at Amber's if he had a hotel room? Why didn't Tina want to put her bag in Amber's car? Of course, it was obvious, but I was still giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Could Tina, Nate and Amber all have lied to me? Maybe the hotel is for tomorrow, and I'm jumping to conclusions, I thought. Seemed unlikely.
I took my phone off the dashboard and called Tina as I drove, hands shaking.
She answered right away. I could hear the noise of the road over the phone as she and Nate cruised down whatever highway they were taking.
"Say, I don't want to come off like a crazy person or some suspicious asshole," I started hesitantly. I was very nervous about getting this wrong. "But are were you planning to spend the night in a hotel with Nate?"
"You aren't being crazy," she said, "but don't worry. I'm spending the night at Amber's. It's all good."
I wasn't convinced. "Because if you were..." I considered my words carefully and I was aware that Nate was sitting right next to her, listening. "Because if you were, that's something... That's the sort of thing I'd want you to tell me about."
"You aren't crazy and I'm not staying in a hotel with Nate. We're on our way to Amber's."
"Uh, OK. Just... something wasn't adding up there," I backed out of the situation. "Alright. Have a good night. I love you."
"I love you too. See you tomorrow. Bye."
I hung up. I reexamined everything I'd observed, seen and heard. Tina was on her way to Nate's hotel. It was a premeditated lie and it was poorly executed by both Tina and Nate, but I agonized over the conclusion all the way back to Farmington.
Reflecting later, I felt that day was the most humiliating experience of my life. I'd been very publicly played for a fool, conspired against and made the butt of their cruel joke. I thought she loved me.
Maura's car wasn't parked outside and the apartment was empty when I got back and let myself in. I was disappointed. I had wanted to talk to Maura and see what she knew about Tina's whereabouts.
I took several pills prescribed for anxiety and laid down in Tina's lonely bed. I got a text from Tina at about 10:30. "I love you a LOT. See you tomorrow. Goodnight."
I drifted off into troubled dreams as the hydroxyzine began to do it's soothing work.
Tina was busy doing something in her bedroom and Maura came into the living room while I was reading emails on my phone. "Are you going with to Bingo?" she asked me.
"I don't think so. I wasn't invited."
Maura didn't say anything, but turned and marched right into Tina's bedroom, closing the door behind her. I could guess at the conversation.
Tina came out a bit later. "Would you like to go to Bingo with us?"
"If you want me to. I got the idea you didn't want me to go." I felt like some snot-nosed little tag-along step-brother her mom was making her bring.
"Of course I do. I just didn't think you'd be interested. You can come if you want to, but if you want to stay here, I'll understand."
"Sure. I'll go. Then I can drive and Nate won't have to come all the way down here to pick you up."
Tina got busy texting Nate about this development, then went back into the bedroom. I followed her in and saw that she was packing an overnight bag.
"What's with the bag?" I asked, surprised.
"Oh. We're going to spend the night at Amber's and all go to the wedding from there, tomorrow," she rummaged in her dresser as she spoke.
First I'd heard of it. I was feeling a bit anxious. Something was up.
Nate was Amber's roommate at one time, so it didn't seem that out of line that he'd be spending the night with her while he was in town. If they were all going to the wedding together, it made sense, but I thought it was more than odd that Tina never bothered to mention any overnight plans to me until she was about to carry them out.
I thought it was important to give Tina her space and was leery about asking any questions that may make me seem suspicious. Tina had done a tremendous job of convincing me that I'd been paranoid and delusional, making wild, hurtful accusations in my drinking days, so I was cautious with that. I'd also made one particularly damning mistake I never wanted to repeat. I was wrong about that one thing. Very wrong. I said nothing further on the subject and decided to see what Bingo would bring.
Tina put her bag in my van and we drove out to a Cinema bar for Bingo night. We were the first to arrive by a considerable span. Nate, Amber and Shelly, a lady friend of Nate's I'd never met before joined us at the table, while Tina and I were just finishing dinner.
I bought Tina and I some Bingo cards and I won $40 on the first game. Not a bad start. Everyone at our table won at least one round, except for Tina.
Nate was enthused to talk about his new home. "California's great, but there's no Renaissance Festival, he was saying.
"Maybe not like here, but there are renaissance fairs everywhere," I put in.
"There's nothing like the Minnesota Renaissance Festival, but we do have Burning Man."
As it happened, I had just read an article about Burning Man and Tina's next weekend away from me for Rock Fest was on my mind. I also felt like probing the attitudes and mores of Tina's friends, whom I'd still not had much chance to get to know after 3 years. "Burning Man is the hookup capitol of music festivals," I said. "Bunch of alternative lifestyle folks. Dirty unwashed hippies, free love and all that." I think I let just a hint of my disdain for the notion shine through.
I had everyone's attention, but Tina lurched in first. "Then we should go there and consummate our open relationship and have a contest to see who can get the most STDs!"
"Gross," I replied. "Let's not!" That quip about 'our open relationship' stuck with me. It only seemed half-joking. Tina's behavior had been bothering me all day. She was not herself and I got the impression she was trying to manage the conversation between her friends and I.
As the drinks and conversation flowed, it became apparent that Amber was not attending the wedding, contrary to my earlier impression.
After Bingo wrapped up, Tina asked me to have a cigarette out on the patio with her so we excused ourselves. Outside, I sparked up an American Spirit.
Tina seemed nervous. She didn't light one of her own cigarettes. "I forgot something. I'll be right back," she said, hurrying back into the bar while I took a drag.
I finished my cigarette alone. Tina came back out as I was extinguishing it. "Well," she said, it's getting late, and it's getting to be about that time for us to get going." She seemed even more nervous than before. There was almost a look of desperation in her eyes.
The sun was still up. I guessed it was about nine.
"Really?" I was surprised. "You guys are calling it a night already?"
"We're not calling it a night, we're just going to get back to Amber's. We'll probably have a couple drinks there before we go to bed." She fidgeted.
"OK."
"So, I'm going to have to get my bag out of your van."
"OK."
She put her cigarette out after just a few drags and made for the door. I followed her back into the bar and we went back to our table. Nate was absent.
"Where did Nate go?" Tina asked. "I have to put my bag in his car."
"Bathroom," replied Shelly.
Tina took a seat.
"We could just go put your bag into Amber's car," I suggested, seeing her approaching the table.
"No. That's OK. I want to put it in Nate's car," Tina replied.
My suspicion level had already been elevated. Now I knew I was being managed and manipulated. Some part of my brain was putting a curtain over the big picture, though. I wanted to believe Tina's intentions were basically innocent, but I tested the waters. "Make sure and keep Tina out of trouble tonight," I floated to Amber.
"That's a tall order," she replied noncommittally. Amber had a hint of nervous energy about her, too, but I didn't know her well enough to read her face. She might have been confused.
Nate came back to the table.
"Well," Tina took charge, "if everyone's settled up, should we get going?" She half-swiveled in her seat as if to get up.
"Let me finish my drink," Shelly said.
Amber also had some beer left.
Tina turned back towards the group, engaging in a lot of chatter. I didn't say anything and I kept my ears open.
After drinks were all empty, we all made our way out into the parking lot, splitting off into different directions. Shelly got into her car. Tina and I walked towards my van to retrieve her bag and Nate and Amber had stopped in the middle of the lane to chat. It looked like a Minnesota goodbye.
"So, where's your hotel at?" I heard Amber ask.
As Tina popped open my back hatch, I spun around and stalked up to Nate and Amber. The last thing I wanted was to come across as some suspicious, jealous ogre. My heart was pounding. My nerves on end. I wasn't able to ignore that question.
I put my hands up in a "hold on" gesture. "Tina's sleeping at Amber's, tonight, right?"
They visibly froze, taking too long to respond. Nate was first to jump in with a sting of nervous "Yeah yeah yeahs."
"Um, I mean, I think so?," Amber chimed in a bit late.
"OK," I said. "Never mind." I actually felt embarrassed. Shaking my head, I started back towards Tina and my van.
"What was that about?" She asked, closing the hatch.
"Nothing. Never mind," I responded, but I felt panic and cognitive dissonance setting in.
Pulling her roller bag behind her, she gave me a one-armed hug and quick peck. "I love you. I'll see you tomorrow after the wedding," she said, making haste towards Nate's car. I got in my van, set my GPS to get me back to Tina's, which was now my only home and drove off, my mind tumbling all the circumstances of the day. Why would Nate sleep on the floor or sofa with the limited space at Amber's if he had a hotel room? Why didn't Tina want to put her bag in Amber's car? Of course, it was obvious, but I was still giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Could Tina, Nate and Amber all have lied to me? Maybe the hotel is for tomorrow, and I'm jumping to conclusions, I thought. Seemed unlikely.
I took my phone off the dashboard and called Tina as I drove, hands shaking.
She answered right away. I could hear the noise of the road over the phone as she and Nate cruised down whatever highway they were taking.
"Say, I don't want to come off like a crazy person or some suspicious asshole," I started hesitantly. I was very nervous about getting this wrong. "But are were you planning to spend the night in a hotel with Nate?"
"You aren't being crazy," she said, "but don't worry. I'm spending the night at Amber's. It's all good."
I wasn't convinced. "Because if you were..." I considered my words carefully and I was aware that Nate was sitting right next to her, listening. "Because if you were, that's something... That's the sort of thing I'd want you to tell me about."
"You aren't crazy and I'm not staying in a hotel with Nate. We're on our way to Amber's."
"Uh, OK. Just... something wasn't adding up there," I backed out of the situation. "Alright. Have a good night. I love you."
"I love you too. See you tomorrow. Bye."
I hung up. I reexamined everything I'd observed, seen and heard. Tina was on her way to Nate's hotel. It was a premeditated lie and it was poorly executed by both Tina and Nate, but I agonized over the conclusion all the way back to Farmington.
Reflecting later, I felt that day was the most humiliating experience of my life. I'd been very publicly played for a fool, conspired against and made the butt of their cruel joke. I thought she loved me.
Maura's car wasn't parked outside and the apartment was empty when I got back and let myself in. I was disappointed. I had wanted to talk to Maura and see what she knew about Tina's whereabouts.
I took several pills prescribed for anxiety and laid down in Tina's lonely bed. I got a text from Tina at about 10:30. "I love you a LOT. See you tomorrow. Goodnight."
I drifted off into troubled dreams as the hydroxyzine began to do it's soothing work.
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